WTFriday: Getting Old Already?

So, the other day, I was in the natural foods store, looking down at the label on a bottle of essential oil, and I realized that I was having a hard time reading the tiny print on the side of the bottle.

Woa.

I had to squint a bit, move it into the light, before I could make out what was written on the label.

Sure, I've gotten used to wearing my amazing CraftOptics when I bead. And, as I had to remind myself, I'm turning 39 in a few weeks. That's almost 40.

Like my father always says, getting old sure beats the alternative. My therapist had to remind me the other day that I can't get up at 5, hike 7 miles, then put in an 8-hour shift because, well, I'm not 24 anymore.

But, GEEZ! So, here, for my WTFriday post, I'm giving it up and making an appointment with the optometrist to get my vision checked. It's been a while since I had new glasses, anyway, and it looks like things have changed since my last prescription...

Attack

Well, I did it. Went to two yoga classes yesterday: the morning class was a mixed levels Vinyasa class, and it was wonderful. I left class feeling energized and happy. Went through my day, but as the day went on, I started to feel tired. Like I could have gone to bed an hour early kind of tired.

But my goal was to do two yoga classes in one day. So I drove back to Keene, and made a quick trip into the bakery/deli next to the studio for something to eat for dinner.

As I walked through the deli, I noticed that my thoughts were racing: What if I can't find something to eat? What if I eat something and it makes me sick? I'm so tired, I can't skip dinner, but what if there's nothing to eat?

Over, and over, and over...

I went to class, but about ten minutes in, I felt that old sensation: nausea, stomach pain. My thoughts were still racing. I couldn't find that stillness.

Robin came up to me when she noticed that I wasn't keeping up with the flow, and told me it was okay to lie down. So I did. Scooted my little pillow under my head, put my knees up with my feet on the floor, and just focused on my breathing.

I was overcome with the urge to run away. I wanted to just pick up my stuff and RUN.

But I stayed.

I finally felt good enough to sit up and continue with the practice, and then sat through a meditation at the end.

I was STARVING on the ride home. Tired and hungry, the whole way.

But I did it. Made it through two yoga classes, even if part of one was spent on my back. I didn't run away.

Of course, I had the same old fears running through me on the way home: What if this happens when I go to Burlington? What if it happens when I go to Colorado in the fall? What if it happens when I go to Bead Fest in August? What if it happens when I go to NYC this month?

But this morning, when I thought of those things, none of them felt real. None of them felt like they were going to happen, and if they did, at least I know how to handle them now. So, no worries, really.

And now, I have to go finish up some beading for next week's blogs, and hit the bag sale at the thrift shop to see if I can find some more pants for my son, who is capable of tearing holes in the knees of his pants faster than I can blink.

Battle of the Beadsmith 2013: It's On Like Donkeykong!

April 1 - the first day that we are allowed to work on our pieces for the Battle of the Beadsmith 2013! It's on, baby! It's on like Donkeykong!

I can't give any hints or clues about what I'm making. All I can say is that over the last few weeks, I've placed orders for many different glass beads and beading supplies in order to make this year's masterpiece.

The idea is something that came to me after my first few weeks of really intense yoga - just this strange thought that popped into my head. After doing a little bit of research online, I found that I was really on to something, and I just ran with it.

I've already stitched up a couple of experiments to see if this design is going to work out. So far, so good. One step at a time!

Sadly, I can't give it too much attention today, because there are deadlines for work, and two other beading projects that need to be off my table before Friday.

The other big thing starting today is my 30-day immersion into twice-daily yoga, with Tara Stiles. But this morning, my plans to begin my day with a yoga workout were derailed when I woke up to discover that my hormones were, once again, trying to kill me. It's like my reproductive system is playing a huge April Fool's day prank on me, only I'm really not laughing.

I've got to get serious about making time in the mornings. Mornings are just not a good time for me - there's always so much to do, breakfasts to be made and eaten, Colden to take care of, and I think it sets the stage for a lot of my anxiety throughout the day. If allowed, my body would sleep straight through until about 7 a.m., but Colden is almost always awake before 6. (Which is, ironically, when Tom is always out the door for work.) So, something has to change. I need to find some kind of a new routine for myself and for Colden to diminish some of the stress and anxiety of our crazy mornings.

That said, I'm very much looking forward to an evening of a warm fire, leftover "meat"loaf from last night, some cozy time with my boys, Moose's birthday party (yes, he turns 10 today), and a half hour of uninterrupted yoga/meditation time by myself.

Don't forget - this Saturday is the second reveal for the 2013 Bead Soup Blog Party, and you'll get to see what myself and my partner, Tina Holden, did with the goodies that we swapped! Stay tuned!

Work

So, that pesky pinched nerve in my shoulder had me sidelined for three days this week until I got it straightened out. By the time I got back to yoga class last night, anything that involved my arms and shoulders felt tight and frustrating.

My anxiety levels were getting up there, too. As we moved through the first sequence of warm-ups and poses, my mind kept thinking, "You can't do this. You're going to be sick. Feel that? You're going to be sick."

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't relax my mind. It wasn't until we were more than halfway through class that I finally managed to relax. We were in King Dancer pose (one of my new favorites), and I realized that it felt like meditation to me. I couldn't calm my mind when I was sitting, but standing here, giving my mind a reason to focus and balance, that was calming and centering.

Instead of feeling elated at the end of class, I was tired. It felt like I had just done some kind of grueling, unpleasant task. It felt like work.

Of course, I realized as I drove home, that not every yoga class will be blissful. Sometimes, it will feel like work, the same way that beading sometimes feels like work. But the important thing is to move my behind to the mat or to the beads and get on with it.

On my way out of class, I picked up a flyer for the Burlington Yoga Conference. I looked it up online and saw that a one-day pass, including three classes/workshops and lunch, was about $113. I didn't hesitate, and registered for three Sunday workshops. Because, why not? Baby steps. I need to get myself moved out of my chair and out of the house.

I'm also signed up for an acro-yoga workshop in two weeks. Yikes! What am I doing?

There are beads on the horizon, too, but more about that later...

Pigeon

Colden, demonstrating Pigeon pose.

Honestly, lately, I have no idea where the minutes/hours/days/weeks/months are going... It feels like I just wake up in the morning, I turn around twice, and it's time to go to bed!

Thankfully, I've been going deeper into my yoga practice, and that's helping me become more mindful of each moment as I watch my breath and become aware of what's happening around me.

I went to my first Vinyasa class last Thursday night. Robin, the wonderful teacher from whom I'm learning so, so much, came up to me before we got started, and she told me just to take it at my own pace. It's a very physical class she said, with lots of movement. But she also said that she knows I'm comfortable with knowing where my edge is, and I'm not the kind of person who's going to push myself past my comfort zone and injure myself.

We spent part of the class practicing Yinyasa yoga. Where Vinyasa is sometimes known as "Power Yoga" with lots of movement, Yinyasa is where you get into a yoga pose and hold it, sometimes for as long as 5 or 10 minutes.

One of my classmates had requested Pigeon pose during that evening's class, and ever since I learned it a couple of months ago, I've had this love/hate thing going on with it.

To get into Pigeon, you start on hands and knees. You bring one leg up in front of the other knee and aim your foot out to the side, keeping that other leg stretched out behind you. You can either plant your palms and stretch up, or, as Colden is demonstrating in the photograph here, you can place your elbows down, bend forward, and rest your head on your clasped hands.

Well, that was the variation of Pigeon that I got into on Thursday evening. At first, my mind was telling me, "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this." But, no, I told my mind that now was not the time. I acknowledged those thoughts, and then released them. I concentrated on my breath, breathing down through my hips and that outstretched leg......

It hit me sort of like a gentle thunderclap when I realized, to my surprise, that every single muscle in my body was relaxed. More than that, I became aware that I was in a deep, meditative state. My breath was flowing smoothly and deeply.

From somewhere deep in my belly, I felt a bit of that nagging queasiness that has plagued me so much during the last few months of anxiety. But in this state, with my head down, my eyes closed, my shoulders engaged and relaxed, I just let it come to the surface, thanked it for what it's taught me, and then released it. It felt like I breathed it in deep, and somehow, it was transformed by my heart and my breath, and then I let it back out into the world as something positive.

I finally had to get out of Pigeon when it was time to move on, and even though my hips were thanking me for finally releasing the pose, my mind wanted to stay there.

At the end of class, I felt energized. It was strange - I haven't felt that way in MONTHS. I felt like I could fly. I listened to Def Leppard the entire way home in the van, cranked up as loud as I thought I could stand it.

I felt like ME again.

Robin has told us that they are adding classes to the schedule in April, after spring break. I can hardly wait to see if I can fit a couple more into my schedule.

It feels to me like the yoga calms and centers me, while allowing me to burn off all this excess energy from my anxiety in a productive way. The Reiki healer I saw a couple of weeks ago suggested to me that when I started to feel anxious or nervous or queasy that I breathe those sensations into my heart, breathe them in deeply, and then allow my heart chakra to cleanse them and turn them into something else before I breathe them out as positive energy.

Yeah, it sounds crazy. But when I'm at yoga class, that's how it works.

So, now, there are two yoga classes tomorrow: a Vinyasa class in the morning and a gentle beginner in the afternoon.

Two classes in one day: can I do it? Is it crazy?

Stay tuned...

Kits For Hoarder of Beauty Now In My Etsy Shop!

I finally finished the counting and the pouring and the measuring...and last night, I listed four kits for my Hoarder of Beauty necklace in my Etsy shop. Huzzah!

Two of them sold straight away, so that means I only have two left - if you want one, grab it now, because I really don't know if I'll be making more of them. (If I end up teaching this project next year, I certainly will make more.)

The kit contains 24 gumdrop beads in gunmetal; two colors of size 11 seed beads; bronze size 15 seed beads; and 225 Czech glass round druk beads, enough to make a beautiful necklace and a pair of earrings to match! (You supply the beading needle and 6 lb. smoke-colored Fireline.)

The individual pattern download will be available later today, as well, hopefully before I head out to yoga class tonight.

Even more exciting - ALL of my beading patterns listed on Etsy are now available as instant downloads! That's right! No more waiting for me to email you with your pattern - all you have to do is click and download the .pdf to your computer instantly!

Ain't technology grand? (When it works, that is.)

Lots of other things going on that I want to write about, but right now, I have deadlines looming, a lunch date, and two phone calls coming my way... Onwards and upwards!

Well, Hello, Mister Sun!

As I was on my way to my therapist yesterday afternoon, the sun poked out from between the clouds. I didn't get my hopes up - I drove through some snow that was coming down so hard and so fast that it almost made me dizzy - but during my session, I noticed the sun shining in through the windows and across the floor.

When I left, the sky was dazzling.

It felt so good to be out in the sunshine again! I drove back through Keene Valley and Keene, and took a minute to pop into a friend's resale shop. Found a couple of great tops that match my new purple/maroon hair (which I'll show you as soon as I can get a decent picture), and I turned up my music as loud as I could stand it.

Today, the sky is cloudy again, but I can see bits of bright blue through the clouds. Sure, it's going to be down in the single digits this weekend, but that's just what spring in the Adirondacks is supposed to be.

Meanwhile, I'm dreaming of more sunshine...

Spring

Okay, Mister Sun, I'm seriously ready to see you again at some point in the very near future. The calendar is crawling ever closer to April... The spring equinox is just next week....

Yet every morning when I wake up, a grey, overcast, cloudy sky greets me.

In years past, it really didn't bother me. But this year? This year, it's driving me nuts.

I calculated that the last time I saw the sun two days in a row was - ready for it? - back in January.

Yes, the sun has peeked out here and there for a couple of hours, but never for very long. And never long enough that I need to get my sunglasses out.

And it's not just me. The ladies in yoga class last night said that they noticed it, too. Colden's preschool teacher agreed with me this morning and said that she was definitely ready to start seeing some sunshine again.

On the upside of no bright sun every day, it's been fabulous for taking great photos in the bright window in the living room where I have a photo table set up. And I'm still playing with those Twin beads from Preciosa...

What do you know, one pack of those Twin beads happened to perfectly match this absolutely amazing handmade lampwork glass focal bead from Evolving Creations! And I had some lovely salmon-colored matte seed beads and some stunningly perfect purple seed beads, and a couple of sleek, silver s-clasps, and...

It just sort of made itself! The rope is a free tutorial from my lovely friend, Nancy Dale, of NEDbeads. It's a twisted herringbone rope made with Twin seed beads, and it's the perfect weight to complement that focal bead.

I wore it with a very feminine green sweater (the same green as the lampwork and the Twins, wouldn't you know!) a few times, hoping to coax the sun out of hiding, but, alas, still cloudy today. (And supposed to be sub-zero again over the weekend.)

 My body is yearning for spring and sunlight, too. I've started up with my annual spring-change-of-season-runny-nose, and every time I take a forward bend in yoga class, I can feel my ears pop. It'll all clear out as soon as the weather warms up, but until then, I just find myself fantasizing about what it will feel like to walk onto the warm driveway in my bare feet, under the light of the midday sun...

In other new, my photo of Colden drinking sap right out of the tree is today's North Country Public Radio Photo Of the Day! My little man! Almost famous! 

It will be on the NCPR homepage all day today, so make sure you check it out.

On to my daily tasks of blogging, picture-taking, and my daily errand to get my ass out of the house...

Photography Class

So, like I mentioned in yesterday's post, over the weekend, I took a DSLR Photography for Beginners class at the North Country Cultural Center for the Arts. Since I've had this amazing Pentax *istD DSLR for going on three years now, I thought maybe it would be a nice idea if I actually learned how to use the settings on it instead of always going with the automatic settings.

Of course, the anxiety kicked in almost the second I drove out of the driveway. My stomach was so painfully tight that it made me queasy.

I told myself that if I still felt this bad when I got to the Cultural Center, that I could just go to Target or do something else - there was nothing that was FORCING me to go to that photography class.

But, when I pulled up in front of the building, I felt a little calmer, even though my stomach was still incredibly painful to the touch.

I'm glad I went to the class, because after spending two hours learning about how to adjust the manual settings on my DSLR camera, I will never, ever, ever use the automatic settings on my camera ever again.

The class was only 2 hours - which was way too short. My response on the evaluation form was that it should have been a 4 or 6 hour class so that we would have time to actually play with the settings and see what kinds of pictures we got, with feedback from the instructor.

As it was, most of us just started clicking away with our cameras at whatever happened to catch our eye - the pen on the table in front of me, my water bottle, the sprinklers in the ceiling, or this picture of The Beatles that was sitting on the floor across the room...

The next day, I took the camera out with us when we went to collect sap for maple sugaring, and I captured a few nice images:

Then we came home, and I wanted to try to get a couple of "glamor shots" of some of my newest work. To see those, you'll just have to stay tuned...

The Universe Responds

The Universe Lends a Helping Hand, If You Ask It

When am I ever going to learn?

My life since Wednesday has had more ups and downs than a damn roller coaster. I spent most of Wednesday fighting off one anxiety attack after the other, and believe me, it wasn't pretty. If I wasn't crying, I was trying not to cry, or my stomach was hurting.

I woke up around 3 a.m. on Thursday morning from a dream that I was having a screaming argument with my mother - who, as most of you know, passed away back in 2008. I also woke up with a pounding headache. Tom said to me, "Better take something now, it's a migraine." But, no, I told him that it wasn't, and I went back to sleep.

Come 6:30 a.m., and yes, it was a headache. Only by the Grace of the Goddess did I manage to get Colden to preschool with that thundering in my right eye before I went back home and slipped back into bed to try to sleep it off.

I decided that a Vinyasa class on Thursday night was probably not a great idea after feeling so yucky all day, so I just did a few gentle, restorative stretches on my own in front of the wood stove.

Friday, I went for a Reiki treatment. I don't know if I'm quite ready to talk about everything that happened there, but I will say this: on the drive home, everything looked different. I realized that I am, indeed, looking at the world with fresh eyes now.

Saturday was my photography class, and again, I felt that excruciating pain in the pit of my stomach as I drove to Plattsburgh. I told myself, okay, if it gets too bad, don't go to the class. Go to Target or something, and then go home.

But once I drove past the cultural center, I knew it was going to be okay, so I parked and went into class. (And I'm glad I did, because I learned a ton, once I relaxed and settled down. But that's a blog for tomorrow, I think.)

So, I went to yoga class on Sunday afternoon, and by the Grace of the Goddess, I only had a minor bit of stomach discomfort. Class was invigorating and relaxing, and I left feeling very good about myself and my body.

Yoga class was exactly what I needed to do on Sunday. Robin read a passage about learning how to live with your limitations and being accepting of them, and it resonated strongly with me. Yoga practice is a beautiful way to start getting the energy moving in your body, and in my case, I'm clearing out old, stagnant energy that's been there for several years. The clearing out part doesn't feel so great sometimes, but in the long run, I'm going to be healthier and happier for it.

Also at yoga class, I met Lynn Edwards, who is another type of healer, and has a large walking labyrinth on her property here in Jay. Walking through the "spin", or the spiral path in our own backyard has been something of a meditation for me, and I'm eager to go see Lynn's path. She also does seasonal celebrations in the labyrinth, and I'm planning to attend the spring equinox ceremony in a couple of weeks.

After I got home from yoga last night, I started to realize that the Universe was, once again, responding to my needs. I need to deal with the anxiety and the illness, so I put it out there. And in return, the Universe sends me to Robin's yoga class, to Linda for the Reiki, and puts me in touch with people like Lynn who have other solutions to my problems.

Of course, that's not to say that I can just sit back on my butt and not do anything. The Universe is meeting me halfway here by providing me with the tools I need to get this done, and now, it's entirely up to me to make it work.

WTFriday: Why I Will Never Eat Like a Caveman

Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

So, seeing as how I've had my own struggles with diet and weight loss since I had Colden back in 2008, I've noticed a growing number of people clamoring about how we should all be eating the Paleo Diet.

What is the Paleo diet? Basically, you eat meat and animal products - but no dairy - along with only certain vegetables, no grains at all, no beans or legumes, limited amounts of fruit, and no refined sugars or carbs.

There are parts of this diet that certainly make sense to me. For instance, cutting out refined sugars is certainly a step in the right direction for any healthy diet.

But when we get to the part that says, "Well, this is how the first humans ate, so this must be the best diet for humans!", I start to think that's maybe not such a good idea.

First of all, eating lots of meat and animal products puts a lot of stress on the environment. If EVERYBODY were to eat Paleo, our problems with factory farming would be a hell of a lot worse than they already are. I mean, come on: more antibiotics, more hormones, more nitrogen waste going into the environment can't be a good thing.

Second, it seems to me that any diet that is more restrictive is just not going to be healthier than a diet that includes a wide variety of plant and animal sources. I've seen people chowing down on a plate of fried bacon, instead of a bowl of oatmeal, because the bacon is allowed in Paleo diet and the oatmeal isn't. Ummm...

Third, just because our ancestors ate like this 40,000 years ago has absolutely no bearing on what we should or shouldn't be eating today. A species can evolve a LOT in 40,000 years, in case you didn't notice. No longer do we run around chasing down our food to kill it and eat it (raw). Most of us sit at a desk job five days a week. We simply don't need the same kinds or amounts of calories that we did back when the species was still in its infancy, and we've discovered a lot of food sources that can supplement our diet for those times when we just can't drag home an entire bison for dinner.

Now, there are things about the Paleo diet that I think can make you healthier. For instance, avoiding processed foods. That's a no-brainer. Eating lots of vegetables, too, is probably a good idea.

But when it comes to cutting out grains, beans, and dairy completely, that just makes no sense to me at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with the occasional slice of good, locally-made cheese or a hearty dinner of rice and beans once or twice a week.

That said, all things in moderation, folks. Find a diet that works for you, and try to include as many different sources of protein, healthy fats, and carbs as you can. I've been a happy, (relatively) healthy vegetarian for over 10 years now, and I have a beautiful baby boy who I grew for 9 months on a healthy vegetarian diet. But that might not be right for you - it all depends on what makes YOUR body feel good.

So, no, I won't be going back to eating meat any time soon, but that's just me. Do your own research, experiment in your own kitchen, and eat sensibly.

The Hoarder of Beauty

It was a hard weekend. It felt like I didn't know which way to look first - spending time with my boys, getting caught up on work, working on my own projects...

Finally, on Sunday, I decided to sit down and finish photographing the steps and assemble the Hoarder of Beauty:

And here it is! Each little individual component made with gumdrops and druks (never, ever underestimate the power of the druk), with a lovely embellished centerpiece and a handmade toggle clasp.

Now, under the category of Things I Learned While Making This Necklace, I can list two things.

The first, is the embellished centerpiece. Once I had the center units all joined together, I didn't like the big, empty hole in the middle. So, I filled it in.

 While I was filling it in, it occurred to me that the techniques I was using could also be used to create a bracelet or a whole new component.

Thankfully, I have lots of gumdrops and druks in my stash (and more on the way) with which I can experiment...

The second thing that I learned is all about the clasp. I wanted to make a clasp that complemented the gumdrop and druk units without being too ornate, and I certainly didn't want to use a pre-made clasp for this piece. I played with some peyote stitch for a bit, mimicking the first few rounds of the gumdrop/druk units, and came up with an easy and fast toggle loop.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm the first person to come up with this kind of peyote stitch loop, but it's intriguing. It could easily be turned into a whole new component with some extra embellishments, in new colors, in a larger size.

So, yes, in all my spare time, once I finish the tutorial instructions, I'll be experimenting with these two new ideas.

In addition to all the other ideas and deadlines bouncing around in my head, I think I came up with my idea for my Battle of the Beadsmith piece. Yes, I've entered again for 2013, and I've even been assigned a partner for the first battle already! The idea for this one is a little unexpected for me...but now comes the sketching, the stitching experiments to see if it will actually work, and the ordering of about a hundred dollars' worth of metallic seed beads. Fun times.

WTFriday: WTF is With the USPS?

In case you don't know what those abbreviations stand for, here's the skinny of it: What the fuck is up with the United States Postal Service?!

I ordered a beautiful glass bead from some wonderfully talented friends out in Port Townsend, Washington. I got a notification on February 22nd from the USPS that it had been shipped, and originally, it was slated for delivery sometime around February 25th according to the tracking.

So, naturally, when it failed to appear in my post office box again today, I checked the tracking. And saw this:

So, it took the post office EIGHT DAYS to "accept" the package, after they originally told me it would be delivered around the 25th of February? And now the expected delivery is March 4? How does that work? Do they have Zippy The Wonder Slug sorting mail out in Port Townsend? Did it fall behind a bookcase until last night? What?

You know, I know there are some people that would have us believe that the United State Post Office is doomed, and that it needs to go away. I've never, EVER, had such problems with the USPS as I have in the last couple of years since the Men In Suits down in Washington have started fucking with it.

You know what? If Congress wants to shut down the publicly-owned USPS and privatize and let UPS and FedEx handle everything from now on, fine. But why not just tell the American public that that's what they want to do instead of making all this noise and hemming and hawing about "Oh, we can't AFFORD a public mail delivery system!"

You know what I say to that? Fuck that. You know what country can't afford a public mail delivery system? Somalia, that's who.

In order to appease Congress, the USPS has started closing down rural post offices and sorting facilities. And, yes, you guessed it, that's significantly affected my ability just to receive my fucking mail since they shut down the local sorting facility. Now, all our mail is sorted down in Albany, over two hours away, and trucked up here what seems like every third day.

Why all the sudden rush to hate on public services these days? Hmmm? Makes me wonder... I've never had problems like this with my rural mail service before, not in the 13 years since we've lived up here. Now that the USPS is under pressure from Congress, they're floundering like a perch that's just been tonked on the head and tossed on the floor of the boat.

Nothing left to do now but sit and wait and see what happens...and maybe write a letter to Congress, telling them to get their act together and save the damn USPS. We're not Somalia, in case they didn't notice.

Joy

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Sunday afternoon's yoga class was just about as close to a complete disaster as they come. I felt queasy all day, but knew that I needed to at least try to go to yoga class to do some relaxation and breathing.

I got to class, still a little queasy, and sat down to do some meditation before we began. Even sitting there, I felt like I wanted to run away. I felt like I was going to throw up right there, on the mat. The music was too loud; the voices were too many; and I could not calm my mind, no matter what I did.

I got about ten minutes into the class, and knew right then and there that if I continued, I was going to start gagging, or worse, throwing up, right there in front of the entire class. Not very conducive to relaxation and rest. So I quietly gathered up my things (except for my ginormous yoga mat), and went back to the van where I promptly burst into tears and cried the entire way home.

It was just all so frustrating.

I went back to yoga class last night because, damn it, I'm stubborn, and I'm not about to let this thing beat me. I'm just not.

I felt fine when I got there, and it was a nice, small class. I got settled again and we began.

Five minutes in, my stomach started gurgling. Again.

No, damn it, I thought. NO.

I pushed through it, remembering that I hadn't actually gotten sick on Sunday - I had just cried and cried and cried.

So, since we were all there with our eyes closed, when I pushed back into child's pose and downward dog, I just let it go and started to cry, very quietly.

Someone watching me would have seen my abdomen and my shoulders shaking. They probably wouldn't have seen my face. But I just let it all go, let it all out.

After a few more minutes, I felt well enough to gain my composure when we started our standing poses. My stomach gurgled a little bit, but I kept repeating my intention to myself: I am strong in my own body. I am strong in my own body.

About forty minutes into class, Robin decided we should have some fun and showed us how to do King Dancer pose. It's a balancing pose that looks a lot like the picture I have on this blog, and when I saw her do it, I thought, geez, that's the pose they use in all those ads in Yoga Journal magazine. There's no way I can balance like that!

But, okay, I'm a good sport, and I decided to give it a go.

For some reason, I love the standing balancing poses. Tree pose is a favorite of mine - I can always seem to find my inner stillness when I do that one, grounding one leg into the floor while the other foot is tucked up inside my inner thigh. I've seen people weeble and wobble with that one, but I love it, and I do it daily when I need a few minutes of standing meditation.

So, okay, back to King Dancer. I followed Robin - stood straight, put my right hand out, grasped the top of my right foot behind me, lifted my left arm next to my ear, and pivoted ever so slightly forward...and...

I GOT it.

I mean, I REALLY got it.

I wobbled a bit at first, but then I realized it was almost exactly like Tree pose - it all has to do with balancing on that one leg, and letting the rest of yourself go.

As I extended my left arm and pivoted deeper, I felt something bubbling up inside me again - but this time, it was joy. I couldn't help but smile when I found that stability in my left leg, grounding it down through my foot and my toes and right straight down into the ground. I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to jump up and down and giggle and say, "Hey! I GOT it!"

Instead, I just smiled big, focused my eyes on one point in front of me, and kept working on grounding that left leg.

It was amazing.

Again, I wobbled a bit when we switched legs, but it was just so much FUN. I smiled again, grounding that right leg down through the floor as I relaxed my entire body and pivoted forward.

I LOVED it.

I felt so calm, so serene for the rest of the practice. Even in shavasana, when I couldn't seem to really calm my mind again, I was still repeating that intention: I am strong in my own body.

Driving home, I decided something: if I'm going to beat this thing, and I *am* going to beat this thing, I'm going to do it without the drugs. If I'm going to kick the whole nervous stomach thing and the anxiety and the feeling that I'm withering in my own body, I'm going to do it with yoga. As of today, there's no going back. If I'm going to do it, I do it now, or else I just give up and let myself get washed under.

Speaking of giving up...

It's been nearly ten days since I started that last necklace design. And I need to figure out a clasp. Onwards and upwards...

Strong

During therapy this week, we talked about my messed-up view of my body and my health since this whole thing went down two years ago. How I felt like my body was turning on me, and how every time I get sick I fall to pieces.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I felt strong in my own body, and I started to cry, because it has been such a long time since I felt strong in my own skin. It really has.

I told her that I could remember riding my bike as a teenager - it was our only method for escaping the insanity at home before we graduated and got cars - and how it felt to pump those pedals up and down hills, going miles and miles away from home in just a few glorious minutes. The warm summer wind in my face, how my cheeks burned from the exertion.

Then, later, when I learned how to ice skate, it was the same sensations: how thick and powerful my legs felt as I zoomed around the rink, how thrilling it was to make my crossovers when I rounded the corners, lifting my feet in those heavy, heavy skates.

Even though I love doing yoga, there are times when, as my yoga instructor says, I feel too much sensation. It's uncomfortable when I do a standing forward bend, or if I do a sun salutation too quickly, or if I'm in downward facing dog and I actually allow myself to relax my neck and head. The blood rushes to my head, and I feel dizzy, or lightheaded, or spacy.

Some of the standing poses make me feel powerful, too. But, again, there's this sensation I can't quite put my finger on, something that makes me feel as though the world is spinning around me, even though at the same time I can feel that I'm firmly grounded in one place.

I need to find a way to feel strong again in my own body, especially on days like today where everything - absolutely everything - I put in my mouth makes me feel nauseous and weak. By the end of the day, I was ready to lose it. It's just so. damn. frustrating.

But. The bright spot in my day was checking the mail, and finding that my order from York Beads had finally arrived! (Seriously. Four days to Jay from Manhattan? It's a four-hour drive down to the city. Next time, I just go pick the damn things up myself!)

I am now the proud, very excited owner of a new stash of druk beads (for use with the rest of my Twins and SuperDuos), six gorgeous strands of aged stripe beads, a hank of amazing silky gold cup flowers (the name alone just makes me want to swoon), and a smattering of the brand-new Beadstuds (two hole pyramid beads) in chalk bronze lumi! Oh, let the beading begin!

Bead Soup Blog Party Partner: Tina Holden

My Tuesday morning brightened considerably when I went to check my mail and discovered that my beads for the Bead Soup Blog Party had arrived!

My partner this year was Tina Holden, from Victoria, British Columbia. She is a former seed beader who does absolutely amazing polymer clay buttons, beads, cabochons, and clasps. And, wow - I was impressed when I visited her Etsy shop, but I was totally unprepared for what she sent me:

The first set I saw was this heart pendant with  a set of beads and a handmade button. Now, I'm not one who usually likes hearts of any kind in my jewelry making supplies, but this? Yes. This. The colors and the patterns - and even the two little sparkly crystals in the heart - made my own heart sing. Plans for this set? Maybe a lovely beaded rope.

The second set, well, this is totally up my alley. Sea urchin beads (that could double as cabochons, actually), and a beautiful handmade toggle clasp in rich, coppery colors - wow! I couldn't help but think about the huge stash of real vintage seashell beads that I have, collected over the years from various sources. A huge bead embroidered collar or maybe a right-angle weave and herringbone stitch collar made with these? Maybe.

Finally, these two beautiful polymer clay cabochons with rich copper accents. My, my, my... The copper and turquoise one on the right is just begging to be paired with some vintage glass bugle beads I recently snagged from Bead Stalkers for a piece inspired by the jewelry of Tibet... Hmmmm...

Now, I can't show you what I sent to Tina...yet. But after she receives her package from me, she'll be able to post it online, and then I can show you what I sent to her.

So now, my task is to create one (or more) pieces with the sets that Tina sent me, to be revealed on April 6th. (It doesn't seem that far away - I better get cracking!) Meanwhile, I must resist buying up everything in Tina's Etsy shop and ArtFire shop, because I'm totally digging her cabochons and beads!

For me, this is going to be quite a challenge. I haven't really used a lot of polymer clay components or beads in the past, and even though I've spent a good portion of the last year experimenting with making my own polymer clay beads and cabochons, incorporating them into some finished jewelry is going to be something entirely new for me.

Accapeurer de Beaute

I stayed up way too late the other night, but I couldn't stop stitching on this project.

It's like Tom says, sometimes: I think we try to do too much. There's always something that needs to be done around the house, whether it's cooking or cleaning up the kitchen, vacuuming up the balls of dog fur that collect in the corners, laundry, stacking wood, mucking out the chicken coop... But in between all that, we want to do things with Colden. We want to go birding, we want to go to The Wild Center, or maybe have a play date or go to the library.

So, we set aside the housework and the chores to spend time together as a family.

But the other night, after Tom and Colden went to bed, I went back into the living room and picked up my components and started stitching on this again. Just because I wanted to.

I was up way past my bedtime - I didn't actually stop until nearly 11 'o' clock - and by that time, it was hard for me to fall asleep. But I posted a quick pic of it on Facebook, and the wonderful Jean Yates said something to me about how she was a "hoarder of beauty", and that's when it kinda hit me: the name for the piece should be something like that.

I translated "hoarder of beauty" into French, and it came up as "accapeurer de beaute". Easy to pronounce for someone who studied French for seven years in high school and college, but not so easy for the rest of the world. So the name might just be in English when I get it finished.

I'm also working on a tutorial for this one, and guess what else? There will be a very limited number of kits to go along with it - like, I'm thinking, two or three. Kits will include Czech glass gumdrops and druks, and Toho seed beads in two sizes. (You'll supply your own needle and thread.) I haven't done a kit in a long time, so maybe it's time to whip up a couple with some of my new designs and see what happens.

Meanwhile, it's a grey, blustery, very cold day here in the Adirondacks. The fire is crackling, and I've just finished my morning cup of hot chocolate, so onwards and upwards...

Nuggets

Phuang malai, floral offerings from Thailand. 

I'm trying to send out small nuggets of positivity and love into the Universe today. Should you be on the receiving end of one of these, please know that I mean whatever I say to you today with all my heart, and that you are someone special to me.

Pink

It's a little blurry, but this was my drive home from yoga this evening.

First, I was thrilled that it was still light out at 5:15 p.m. when I set off from Keene. That in and of itself was enough to make me jump for joy.

But then, as I drove towards Upper Jay and into Jay, I fell under the spell of the bright pink sunset.

It was just all pink, over the mountains and the trees and the frozen river. A beautiful pink sunset. And I almost didn't want the ride to end.

Why? Because that would mean going back home, back to the fight I had with Tom just before I left for class about keeping the house tidy... Back to all the things about myself that I've been confronting lately and trying to change. Back to the battles, the imperfections, the things about myself that bother me.

Because, see, in yoga class, none of that matters. I can leave all of that behind and just focus on the moment. Robin reminds us - no judgements, no worries. We're just there, following our breath, and going deeper into our bodies, experiencing the sensations.

It felt like a very short hour tonight. I could have gone on for another hour, honestly. When it was time for final shavasana, I almost wanted to cry. I wasn't ready to come back just yet.

Helena

It's here, it's here! I finally finished the Helena necklace tutorial, but of course, the bracelet tutorial got sidetracked by my magnificent booger-hacking-illness...

This is the original piece, done with silky gold Twins, Czech glass pearls, and metallic seafoam seed beads.

For the tutorial, I worked up a second version using bottle-green matte Twins, cream druks, and metallic gold Duracoat seed beads. The big honkin' clasp on the green version came from my friend Amy at Bead & Glass Boutique - I bought a package of these clasps when I was visiting her shop back in August, and it was the perfect finishing touch for this necklace.

The bracelet is so easy to do - and the tutorial comes free to the first 20 people who purchase the necklace tutorial. (So I really need to get on that!)

Now, when I was writing this 18+ page tutorial, I realized that I needed someone to test it out for me. My wonderful friend Kristen Stevens volunteered, since she was one of the other winners of the Beads For Blog Post promotion, and late last night, she sent me two pictures of what she had done with my tutorial!

 

Isn't it amazing? She used transparent Twins with some lovely metallic blue pearls - it looks like a necklace meant for a princess!

Then she went and took the necklace strap and used it for a cabochon project she'd been working on:

Again, she rocked it. Pretty pink pearls, transparent Twins, and that awesome ceramic cabochon make a bold, yet totally feminine necklace.

Kristen even blogged about her work with my tutorial on the Art Jewelry Elements blog!

Earlier in the weekend, Dee "Beadee" Wingrove-Smith purchased the Helena tutorial, and emailed me this picture of her color choices. I have to say, these picasso Twins were really quite dramatic in this pattern!

I've got the Helena tutorial for sale on both my Etsy shop and my Craftsy pattern store. Purchases made from my VanBeads Etsy shop will be emailed during the 24 hours following purchase, but if you buy it from Craftsy, you can download it immediately!

Helena is a great introduction to working with Twin beads, and it lets you stretch your flat, circular peyote stitch skills a bit without even knowing it!

More later, but right now, I have a stack of writing staring me in the face that all needs to be done before 5 p.m. tomorrow... Off I go!