Structure

Sometimes, you just have to set aside things like housecleaning and dishes and laundry, pick up your beads, and just CREATE.

That's the kind of mood I was in over the weekend. We had loads of housekeeping to do, but we were all still sick with this crud that Colden brought home, and really, after wiping boogers and administering cough medicine all week, the last thing that any of us wanted to do was break out the mops and the vacuum.

On top of that, I was eager to play with my new Bead On It board and try out an idea I had as I was falling asleep one night during the week.

The carved pendant was part of a purchase I made from Nancy Vogel's Etsy shop, FamilyOnBikes. It's an antique Chinese carving, very heavy, and very challenging for me to use in a piece of bead-weaving.

In her description of the piece, Nancy talked about how this was one of her finds from the Jade Market in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. She purchased it from the Chinese antique dealers that hung out towards the back of the market, where, as she puts it, the magic happened.

I stitched a right-angle weave bezel for the ginormous Swarovski crystal that I got from Beyond Beadery back in June, and then made a herringbone rope in matching seed beads. I put a piece of wire through the hole of the pendant with double-wrapped loops on either end. (I'll embellish those loops with drop beads later.)

The real challenge came when I was trying to figure out how to attach the pendant to the as-of-yet-theoretical neck strap. I have such a hard time designing the neck straps of my necklaces. I can design a focal, no problem. But the straps? Forget it. I get a creative brain freeze, and not in a good way, either.

What I finally wound up doing was going back through my old sketch books, and I found a piece that I had drawn out last winter that used three beaded ropes to support a centerpiece made up of three art beads. I haven't gotten around to picking out my art beads yet, but I can use that same basic structure to support this very heavy pendant!

Now, I just need to either find some brass end caps or cones to finish off the ropes, or get off my lazy beading butt and stitch some peyote caps/covers for the ends of the ropes. I get the feeling that I'll be doing a lot of peyote stitching over the next couple of days...

Beading For a Cure

Finished! My entry for this year's Beading For a Cure challenge and auction is this piece of bead embroidery, "I Wanna Be A Cowgirl".

This was such a fun piece to make! I used up my entire stash of mother of pearl cabochons, and I was thrilled with how they complemented the colors chosen by Beki Haley of Whimbeads without overwhelming them. They just sort of nestle right in there, don't you think?

The strap, of course, was always a challenge. Why am I so good at designing focal pieces, but no so good at designing straps? Does this mean I should make more bracelets?

This piece was almost a bracelet, actually. I turned it on its side and wrapped it around my wrist before I added the stiffener between the bead embroidery and the Ultrasuede. But in the end, I decided that in order to use all of the beads that I still had to, it would work best as a pendant.

This was the piece that I enjoyed stitching so much with my Craft Optics. I swear, those things are amazing. I could see every single detail, right down to exactly where I needed to position my needle to make nice, straight, beaded lines with backstitch.

And the edging on this one was not so much inspired as it was just me being lazy again. I had to figure out how to use those peanut beads! I use the drops the easy way, and used them to fringe some beaded beads that I attached to the leather strap. But those peanut beads...

Just on a whim (Whim Beads, get it?), I picked up a seed bead, a few peanut beads, and a seed bead. Skipped a few beads in the brick stitch edging, and made a tiny little loop with the peanut beads all pushed together.

It resulted in a lovely, lacy edging all around the embroidery that both softened it and gave it a lovely accent color!

It was hard for me to pack this one up and ship it off. The thought of parting with it was so bittersweet that I actually wrote to Beki over at Beading For a Cure and asked if it was okay for me to bid on my own piece during the auctions in the spring. Because I really want this one back!

Such a pleasure being part of the Beading For a Cure challenge again this year. One of the questions they ask on the paperwork is why you wanted to be a part of this challenge and charity auction.

I didn't know Layne, the woman for whom all of this is done to honor. But she must have been a pretty special person to have inspired this in those she left behind when she lost her battle with colorectal cancer. And even though I didn't know her, I feel proud to be contributing towards the efforts to raise money for this type of cancer research in such a wonderful, warm, loving community of bead artists.

And THAT'S why I love participating in Beading For a Cure!

In the Pink

Well, anyone who loves beads and blogs probably knows about Lori Anderson. She's the brains behind the original Bead Soup Blog Party, and an incredibly talented lampwork and jewelry making artist to boot.

Lori has done something really incredible. She has brought together beaders by the thousands from all over the world into a single community, both through her Bead Soup Blog Party and her Bead Soup Cafe on Facebook. I can't imagine another single person who has done so much to connect beaders, jewelry designers, bloggers, and artists all over the world with a single stroke of the keyboard!

So, a group of folks who love Lori and love what she's done for the beading community banded together to create In the Pink, a tribute group to Lori Anderson. In honor of Lori's wonderful hot pink hair, we decided to do some hot pink hair of our own.

And here I am, half-crazed, sweating in the August heat without air conditioning, with my crazy hot pink hair extensions!

Lori, you have touched so many of us with your blogs and your honesty and your insights and your love and your BEADS! Thank you so much for everything you've done for the beading community!

And in case you didn't know...Lori also has an amazing eBook all about how to be a more creative blogger for sale on her own blog. If you need some fresh ideas for how to be a better bead blogger, check out Follow the Path!

The Virtue Trap

This week is Week 5 of my The Artist's Way for Beaders group on Facebook. This week is always a good reminder to me of what I need to do to stay sane as an artist, and a reminder of how important it is to work at staying true to myself while being considerate of the needs of my family.

The very first time I did The Artist's Way, I was right on board with the whole taking-time-for-yourself thing. I was working at a job that I didn't enjoy very much while at the same time trying to get a business of the ground, and it was hard. I understood how much I needed that time to unwind and create, and truthfully, it wasn't very hard for me to get a lot of time to myself. This was way before Tom and I had even thought about having kids, and even though we were busy, it was really all just about us.

Then I had Colden. Wow, nothing like having a baby to totally change your perspective and your attitudes about having time for yourself! Tom and I made a lot of sacrifices to have Colden, and we still make a lot of sacrifices to make sure that Colden's needs are met. After all, we made the decision to bring him into the world, and it's our responsibility to make sure that he grows up to be a productive, well-adjusted, and happy member of society.

So where does that leave us when it comes to having time for ourselves? As a couple, and individually?

It's hard. It's really hard.

This time around, I bristled when I read through some of the examples that Julia gives in The Artist's Way of how people put their families' needs and/or desires above their own individual creative needs. Well, of COURSE we're going to buy a second vehicle instead of sending me to a bead show. Of COURSE we're going to pay for Colden's preschool instead of spending the money on ourselves. How dare Julia suggest that we put our own needs above what's going to be good for our kids?

But, no, I had to rein myself in. Of course, that's not what she's talking about.

Example: I work 8:30 - 5, 5 days a week, writing about beads, jewelry-making, and bead-weaving. I spend most of my days taking and editing photos, writing blogs, formatting newsletters, choosing content for eBooks, poring over spreadsheets, and analyzing statistics. It's not like I get to sit in front of my beads and just stitch for 8 hours a day.

Of course, when Colden and Tom get home, there's dinner to make, dishes and laundry to wash, beds to make, baths, and bedtime. Not a lot of time to sit and create after dinner. Mornings are crazy, since Tom leaves so early, so it's all me for getting Colden up and dressed, fed, and out the door. Not a lot of time there, either.

So, when DO I get time for myself to create? Where do I draw the line between doing what I "have" to for work, and what I "want" to just for myself? They aren't always the same thing, that's for sure.

Sometimes, my husband sees me beading and says, "What are you doing that for? Don't you do that all day? Stop working, and let's do something to relax!"

Which really gets me ticked off. I *don't* sit and bead all day, as I mentioned above. I'm answering emails, writing, editing photos, etc. When I decide to take a few minutes and bead, it's because I AM doing something to relax, but somehow, he just doesn't seem to get it.

That leads to me avoiding my beads when I find myself with a few minutes of downtime. Which leads to me getting really, really, really grumpy after a few days.

I really *need* that time alone or that time when everyone will just leave me alone to do my beading. I really *need* that time in the bathtub with my sketchbook and my jewelry books to dream and doodle and think.

And how do I manage to balance my needs with the needs of my family? It ain't easy. It's been a struggle since the beginning. Something always manages to get pushed to the side, usually the housework, which becomes another struggle.

 Why do we think that to be "good" people, we need to sacrifice our own well-being to the point that it makes us miserable and not much fun to be around? Am I really benefiting my son if I deny myself an hour a day to bead and relax? Will he remember the fun we have, or will he remember me being a screaming maniac because I'm so stressed out and won't take time for myself?

I don't know what the right answers are to any of it, really. I do know that I feel happier when I manage to find time for myself to bead and create or dream during the day. But I also know that when I get into my "zone", it's hard for me to break out and move on to the next thing, and invariably, I have to break it off before I'm ready to because something else needs my attention.

I would love to find time to sign up for an art class at the Cultural Center in Plattsburgh, or a photography class at Clinton Community College, or a workshop at the Lake Placid Center for the Arts. But my big concern is: where will I find the TIME?

My time with Colden is so precious and so fleeting... Sometimes I think I guilt-trip myself into doing something with him when what I really need is to take some time for myself and let Tom take over.

So, yep, it's all back to the Balancing Act. Not easy. But as long as we can figure out what works for us, we'll be good.

Seeing Clearly

Last year, I was absolutely thrilled to snag a kit for Beading For a Cure, a non-profit organization that raises funds every year for colorectal cancer research as a tribute to beader Layne Shilling. Layne lost her battle to cancer in November 2002. Every year since then, a group of beaders has come together to create a unique piece of beadwork (jewelry, sculpture, objects, etc.) using the same challenge kit.

I got a kit for this year's challenge, as well, and I was absolutely delighted with the colors! Figuring out what to make with the kit, however, was another matter.

I went back and forth, from thinking about making one sculptural object to a pair of objects...but in the end, I found a set of mother-of-pearl cabochons in my stash that just looked magnificent with the beads, and I decided to make a piece of bead embroidery.

The deadline is looming: I have to have this piece finished, photographed, and out the door before the end of the week! But last night, as I finished the bulk of the embroidery, I stopped for a break, took off my Craft Optics, and took a good look at what I was making.

I was struck by how even my stitches looked on this one. Was it just because I had placed my cabochons on a measured grid before I started stitching? Was it because I was making extra thread passes through each row as I finished it?

I don't want to say that my nice, even stitching is just because I wore my Craft Optics the whole time I was working on this piece. But I have to admit: this is the first piece of bead embroidery I've made while wearing the Craft Optics the whole time, and the stitching really is cleaner, more even, and probably some of the most precise stitching I've ever done.

Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not...

Progress

Sometimes, the beads just have a mind of their own.

I was meditating the other day, and someone recently departed popped into my head. I only knew her for a short time, but I was so moved by her generous, creative spirit and her wisdom. This is what came out, and even though I'm scrambling to meet deadlines this week and next, I needed to take a couple of evenings and put everything else aside and work on this piece of bead embroidery.

After finishing the first half, I wasn't so sure about it. I wasn't sure that I liked the colors. Or the lines. During acupuncture this morning, I almost had myself convinced to tear the whole thing out (7+ hours of work) and start over.

But once I got home and sat down at my desk to look at it, and I really looked at it, I realized that it was true to my original vision, and I'll continue with it as it is.

It's baby steps, the progress on this one. It doesn't feel like I'm doing very much with it, but I think this piece is going to be more about being present while I'm stitching it. After I finish this portion, I'll need to embroidery the collar and attach it to the brass, back it, etc.

So many ideas bubbling around in my head these days. Not enough time to do them all.

I still can't believe summer is over. I can't believe we're nearly into the second week of September. Where does the time go? It seems as though my life is a flurry of activity, from the time I get up in the morning and start making breakfast for me and Colden, to my working days (which consist of writing, writing some more, beading, editing a zillion photographs, and then writing some more), to making dinner, cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes, and then getting Colden ready for bed. It seems as though the lazy days we used to have are becoming few and far between. Weekends are reserved for adventures outside or time to clean the house (when it gets to critical stage) and visiting with friends. It's just not possible to get done everything we want to, or need to.

That said, Colden has been doing so much better sleeping in his own bed these days! I thank Elizabeth Pantley, author of the No-Cry Sleep Solution, for giving me the idea of offering Colden a fun little wrapped present every morning after he spends the whole night in his own bed. And I thank the Target $1 bins for a wonderful selection of inexpensive little goodies!

Getting back to my almost-normal sleep routine has been amazing. I slept for ten hours straight for two nights in a row this week, and I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling that refreshed. I know we're probably a few years away from my being able to go back to my night-owl ways, but for now, I'm happy to feel like I'm finally getting some good sleep again.

So, for now, I need to just keep making my lists, writing down my ideas, and then just working on prioritizing things. What do I need to do right now, what can I do later today, and what can I do later this week.

Breathe in, and be present.

Compassion

Earlier this morning, I posted a picture on my Facebook page, noting the obvious physical similarities between a photo of Arizona governor Jan "Pregnancy Begins Two Weeks Before Conception" Brewer and Terrance Stamp's character of Bernadette from "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert", and really, some of the anti-immigration comments it spawned were a little surprising to me.

It made me think a little. (Dangerous, I know, especially since I'm feeling particularly snarky this morning.) And here's my $10,000 question for the day:

Why is it so difficult for people to turn away from compassion towards other human beings? Is it because showing compassion towards others reveals our own faults or weaknesses?

Is it really easier to spread hate and fear than it is to act with love?

What if a nation chose to govern based on compassion rather than greed?

Do my views make me seem naive, idealistic, uneducated?

Any and all comments are welcome.

You

I got in my car after work today and drove and drove and drove...all the while, thinking about you.

I drove through the mountains and the sky and felt the wind blow through me and I thought about you. I know you so much better than I did before, but I don't really know you at all.

I thought about what you would say if you could see what I saw, and if you could see everything that comes out of me. Would you stay?

I listened to the lines of a song I've heard a thousand times before, and I heard something new in it. I let it wash over me, and the words started running through my head, faster. I thought about your eyes, and your breath.

I thought of you when I drove past the meadows and the farms in the valley. I thought of you when I saw the clouds as they gathered on the horizon near the lake.

I thought about when I would see you again.

I drove as long as I could, because I knew that once I stopped, the magic would be gone, the moment over. I wanted the moment to go on as long as it could, because just for a little while there, everything was suspended in space, and it was perfect.

So, today, I drove my car and I thought of you. And I know that if I let go, everything will be okay.

Overwhelming.

That's what this week has totally been. Just overwhelming. From the minute I woke up on Monday morning, I feel like it's been go-go-go!

I'm sitting in my hotel room in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, right now, just trying to process what has happened in the last 48 hours...

Truthfully, my mind and my body are both too tired to really get into much right now, but the rundown so far is this:

Got to PA on Wednesday afternoon, got a flat tire. Thanks to the Smartest Roommate in the world, Tammy Jones, I remembered that I have roadside assistance through my car insurance. Got someone to put on the full-size snow tire/spare that I had in the car, then went to bed.

Woke up Thursday morning, found a tire place, got a new tire. (Guy at tire place tried to talk me into two new tires, told him no.)

Drove out to Pitman, NJ, to visit the amazing bead shop, Glass & Bead Boutique, of Amy Blevins. Fun stuff. Chatted for three hours!

Drove back to PA, crossed three bridges, felt like six bridges. Have never had a panic attack while driving on a bridge before, but there it was.

Got back to PA in time to get all checked in for my classes.

Ran back to hotel, grabbed some dinner to eat during class, then drove back to expo center.

Had first-ever kumihimo class with the awesome Jill Wiseman. Learned kumihimo in about five minutes. Got hooked on kumihimo, too, which sent my bead shopping list right out the freaking window.

Got up this morning, back to expo center, helped Nikia Angel schlep stuff back and forth to Meet the Teachers. Had great fun at Meet the Teachers, helped celebrate 5 years of Beading Daily with a little birthday party and some cake.

Had a little bit of lunch (not enough, durn it), and then spent the afternoon shopping.

Shopping for beads? It's hard work. Really.

Decided that I was most definitely NOT up for dinner out tonight, so went back to hotel and changed into jammies. Looked through my fun finds of the day and started new kumihimo bracelet, since I need about three tubes of 6/0 seeds to do an 18" necklace. Durn it again.

Will share my awesome beading finds later. Right now, time for bed, since I have an 8 o clock class tomorrow - something that I haven't had since college back in 2001!

"You look just like Mom."

I got this awesome pair of telescopes from CraftOptics today, and I had so much fun testing them out, I took a quick picture of myself wearing them and put it on Facebook:

I mean, I was having a good hair day and all, so I figured, what the heck, right?

My sister commented on the picture that I look just like our Mom, and my heart skipped a beat. I know she meant it in a good way, but there was something about it that just sent a chill up my spine.

When I found out that I had to go gluten-free a few months ago, the first thing that someone close to me said was, "Now, don't go turning into your mother!" Which, of course, was the first thing that *I* had thought after realizing that there are a whole lot of things that I can't or won't eat now.

Of course, the inside of my refrigerator looks nothing like the inside of my mother's. We eat healthy every day - we just avoid junk food and processed food, which is, unfortunately, 75% of what you find at the grocery store.

Yes, I'm losing weight. Am I at an unhealthy weight? No. Am I healthy overall? Yes, aside from the fact that I could probably stand to get more exercise.

Am I turning into my mother with the food issues?

Dear God, I hope not.

Sometimes, I really wonder if half of my mom's problem was gluten intolerance that nobody really knew about. All her digestive symptoms - those could totally have been from gluten intolerance. It doesn't explain the mental health issues, her belief that she was allergic to everything except stew meat and broccoli and carrot baby food, but it could explain a lot of her problems early on that led to those things.

I've seen some folks who swear by the whole paleo diet thing. They don't eat any grains, dairy, gluten, legumes, or sugar. And I just can't understand that. To me, THAT seems more like an eating disorder than a gluten-free vegetarian diet. How can you eliminate everything except certain vegetables and meat and still eat a healthy diet? It just seems impossible to me.

Did my little 6-week brush with pain, nausea, and vomiting after every meal scare the heck out of me last summer? Yes, it certainly did. Have I allowed it to completely ruin my life? No, I have not.

At any rate, I needed to have a little chat with my husband tonight to remind myself that:

1. I am not my mother.
2. I am, in fact, quite healthy overall.
3. I (we) eat a healthier diet than most people we know.

And if anyone needs convincing that a plant-based diet is healthy, just remember this: my lovely, healthy, funny, wonderful little 4 1/2 year old was built on a plant-based diet.

So, anyway, now that I've gotten rid of that little brain worm for the night, I'm off to get Colden to bed and play with my CraftOptics some more...

The Beads! The Beads!

On Friday, I decided that I just needed a break from it all. I started Week 1 of The Artist's Way, and this time around, I'm finding that doing my Morning Pages at night is more therapeutic for me. It lets me get out of my head everything that keeps me awake at night, and I get some more restful sleep.

That said, I decided to dedicate some serious time for beading this weekend.

I started out making one of my favorite right-angle weave jewelry bases, thinking that I'd make a killer cuff bracelet with some of the gumdrop beads. But wouldn't you know - I didn't have enough beads to create an entire cuff. So what did I do? I turned it into a necklace, of course!

This is pre-fringe and pre-embellishment, which seems to be taking for-ev-er. But overall, I'm extremely happy with this piece, and have started a second version in amber/green/silver which will be what I photograph (with other variations) as a tutorial for my Etsy shop.

Then I started picking out colors for a second collar that I've been tossing around in my head for a little while. My wonderful friend, Nancy Vogel, who has had some crazy adventures cycling around the world with her husband and twin boys, went bead shopping in New York City a few weeks ago, and she sent me a small Priority Mail box packed full of beads, nailheads, and vintage West German glass cameos!

I loved these amazing carved wooden totems that were included in the box, and I've been dreaming about making some kind of tribal-inspired collar with them. The final bit of inspiration arrived when I received another gorgeous sample pack of Czech glass beads from Perry Bookstein down at York Beads. So, I chose my palette of beads and colors for the next collar project.

But before I get started on THAT beaded necklace project, I got a little sidetracked. I wasn't having such a good day, digestive-wise, and I don't know if it was the heat, the stress of the last couple of weeks, or a combination of everything, but I wound up spending most of the day in bed, trying to keep my food down. To distract myself, I started stitching up a twisted herringbone rope using some more of those amazing Czech striped seed beads from York...

So, the ideas are there! They're flowing! Thankfully, many of them are flowing into my notebooks for next week after Bead Fest Philadelphia... That's a whole other adventure that I need to prepare for this week.

I'm leaving in exactly 48 hours for Philadelphia, and beading classes with Jill Wiseman, Nikia Angel, and Gail Crossman Moore. Am I excited? You betcha.

The Artist's Way for Beaders: Basic Tools

The Artist's Way works with two basic tools for unlocking your creativity: Morning Pages and a weekly Artist's Date.

The Morning Pages/Morning Beading
The Morning Pages are three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing that should be done every morning as part of your creative recovery. Julia Cameron, author of the The Artist's Way, recommends that everyone do them, even if you're not a writer.

There is value in these Morning Pages. Even if you don't think you can write, you can try them, anyway. If the idea of writing just turns you off completely, go ahead and skip them, but then make sure that you do:

The Morning Beading.

Yep. Every morning, if you choose not to write, I want you to set your alarm clock a half hour earlier than normal. Get up, get over to your beads, and sit down for half an hour and bead.

It doesn't matter what you work on. If you have a project, great. If you don't have a project, just grab the first tube of beads or the first set of beads you see and start stitching. Bead for the full half-hour - don't shortchange yourself.

I also recommend documenting your beadwork, somehow. You can either print out a picture of what you did and stick it in a hard-copy journal, or post it on your blog. (This might also be a good time to start a blog, if you've been wanting to, or resurrecting your old blog!)

The point of  this exercise is just to get you to your beads without a finished project in mind. (Although, like I said, if you have a project you want to work on, by all means, go for it.) It's a way of providing yourself with some accountability. Even if you just make a swatch of peyote or half an inch of a herringbone tube, you've beaded and you've connected with your beads for a little while.

The Morning Beading/Morning Pages can be used as a form of meditation. Get out whatever "junk" you have in your head. Remember to breathe. Take your beads and sit and watch the sunrise or listen to the sounds of the house coming alive around you. Just BE with yourself and with your beads.

The Artist's Date
The Artist's Date is the second tool that we will use, and we'll be pretty much sticking to what Julia says in the book.

Once a week, take yourself on a date. Go somewhere - anywhere. Go to the zoo. Go to the park. Go for a walk in the woods, or just take your camera and go on a drive. Go to your favorite museum or to your favorite cafe and take in the sights, the sounds, and the smells. Just BE.

The idea behind the Artist's Date is just to give your brain a break. By just allowing yourself some time to do nothing, you're actually allowing your creative mind to recharge so you don't get burnt out creatively.

Oh, and for your Artist's Date? No beads allowed. Not a one!

A Word About God
Yes, throughout the book, Julia mentions God quite often. The first time I did this program with a couple other folks, one of them was so offended at the mention of God that she almost didn't want to go ahead with the program.

It doesn't matter if you believe in God or a god or many gods or no gods at all. I got over it pretty quick, and now when I go through The Artist's Way, I simply imagine the Universe and all its cosmic energy as my higher power.

To be continued...

The Artist's Way for Beaders: What It Is, How it Works

So, because I don't know if I'm going to get sued if I start a blog called The Artist's Way for Beaders without permission from Julia Cameron, I'm just going to start this off on my blog, and then if I can work that out, I'll move these posts later.

The Artist's Way is a fabulous book and method for unlocking your latent creativity, written by author, playwright, poet, and screenwriter Julia Cameron. I used it for the first time many, many years ago when I was a budding writer/bead artist, and as I've gone back and done it again and again over the years, I've found new ways of modifying the basic tools and exercises so that they are more relevant to my beadwork.

The Artist's Way is a twelve-week program where each week, you'll complete certain tasks and answer questions from the book as you discover how to allow yourself to be more creative. What I have found through my work with The Artist's Way is that with a little nudge, these tasks and questions can be extremely useful in dealing with Beader's Block, too!

If you want to join us in the Facebook group, The Artist's Way for Beaders, just head on over to the group and ask to be added. Any and all are welcome to join, no matter what kind of beading or beadwork you do!

Next, you'll need a copy of the book, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

You can either download the book onto your Kindle, buy a paperback copy, or borrow it from your local library. (I'm pretty sure you can download it in the iBooks store, too.)

Once you're ready to go, read on for how we'll be changing things up a bit as we work our way through our creative beading blocks!

Holding On and Letting Go

So, yesterday, in the midst of what might be a combination of reasonable fear of the future and a little pity party for myself, I stumbled across this page on the Tiny Buddha website about overcoming the fear of loss. The first question really got to me: What are you afraid of losing by letting go?

Well, the angry tears sprang right to my eyes. Of course, I'm afraid of losing EVERYTHING. I'm afraid of us losing our house if we can't pay the bills or the mortgage. I'm afraid of having to pull Colden out of a preschool program with a teacher and friends that he absolutely adores.

I'm afraid of going back to work in a field that is a terrible fit for me, but just happens to be the only thing I'm "qualified" to do on my resume. I'm afraid of losing myself in a job that I hate, just because I need to pay the bills.

I'm afraid of losing my sense of myself as an artist. I'm afraid that I'll discover that I was never *really* that good at beading, anyway, and that's why I wasn't much of a commercial success.

To combat all these feelings of helplessness, I started cleaning up my desk/work area/beading area yesterday. Two hours, and I put away hundreds of tubes of seed beads, bags of beads, strands of gemstones, and discovered that lo and behold, my pearl drawer actually isn't as feeble as I had previously thought. (All those pearls were in other bags, waiting to be used for projects that I never got around to!)

I should have taken before and after photos, I know, but I was totally in the moment. No time for the camera. I just wanted to sit and sort through everything and get everything cleaned up and organized for the first time in months. I've got ideas, dammit, and I need to sit my butt down and actually make them come to life. My Battle of the Beadsmith piece showed me that, yes, I am still capable of creating crazy good beadwork.

Then, I sat down while Tom was doing bedtime with Colden (or attempting to do bedtime, anyway) and did some serious therapeutic list-making. Like what I need to do to re-launch my VanBeads business. What I need to do to get on top of things so I can go to Bead Fest next week.

And while I managed to get seven whole hours of sleep last night and I even managed to kick the excruciating headache I woke up with this morning, this whole in-between-not-knowing thing has me prone to fits of tears periodically.

The only thing I can do is just keep calm and bead on.  I've got my lists made. I sort-of have a plan. I'll need help, and I'll need to just put my head down and plow through it all.

So, for today, don't stop bead-lieving, my friends.

To be continued...

Uncertainty

"Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark." - Dan Millman

I do not deal well with uncertainty. It was difficult for me when I worked the farmer's markets, because I never knew if I was going to have a good day or a bad day. And regardless of a good day or a bad day, I still had bills to pay, food to buy, commitments to honor. That sort of stuff.

So, here we go again, dealing with more uncertainty. I know that what I'm dealing with is tiny, compared to what others are going through. Part of me is screaming out, "You should have seen this coming! Nothing good ever lasts with you!"

The other part is trying to wrestle that first part down and slap it into submission.

There's part of me that is screaming in the back of my head, "You're not a REAL artist. I've SEEN real art. And it doesn't come from you!"

So now, I'm grappling with how to prepare for uncertainty. What frightens me the most is that I've made commitments to my son, now.

Deep down, I know that things will work out one way or another. But the fear is there, and it's real, and there's no getting around it right now.  I'm hesitant to plan for the worst, but I know that I should.

I think that before I go to sleep tonight, I need to write out some affirmations for myself to help carry me through the uncertainty:

• I am capable.
• I am resourceful.
• I am productive.
• I am creative.
• I am loved.

With my next breath, I am turning this over to the universe and to Ganesha for whatever it has in store for me.

...and a big bowl of chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.

What's New?

The short answer: not much. Back to Monday, back to work, trying to get all my blogs and newsletters completed before I head to Philadelphia in two weeks. I've got ideas for tutorials, blogs, articles, etc., that need to be sketched out before I sit down to flesh them out.

Long answer: Tom is hoping to have the last of the metal roofing up on the garage tonight. (Exciting, right?) And then he just has to finish the gutters and the ice hooks, and we won't have to think about that building again as long as we live here.

It's going to be hot today. We're planning on a swim later on, and I'm sitting in the living room under the ceiling fans trying to get warmed up for some serious writing. I'm stuck in the house today because we dropped the van off at the body shop last night for the repairs. I'd forgotten how much it sucks to be without a car during the day.

And here are some funky cloud pictures I took last week when we watched the cold front sliding through the river valley down the hill from our house. Enjoy.

Welcome to the 1st Reveal of the 6th Bead Soup Blog Party!

Woo-hoo! Welcome to the 1st reveal for the 6th Bead Soup Blog Party! A HUGE thank-you should first be made to the amazing Lori Anderson for all the work that goes into these. Lori has done the beading community around the world such a fabulous service for putting these events together!

I got paired up with the amazing Birgitta Lejonklou of Sweden for this Bead Soup Blog Party, and I was absolutely amazed at what she sent me.

Two pieces of sari silk, a chain, and five of her amazing handmade porcelain cabochons and pendants! Not to mention the cool copper clasp and the assortment of glass, gemstone and wood beads. The whole package was just breathtaking!

My initial thought was to use the Buddha connector with a bead and wire chain, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make the design work.

Realizing that I was getting reeeeeeeeally close to the deadline, I had to come up with something fast. So, I had to resort to my good old quick'n'dirty beaded cabochon skills.

The first piece that drew me was this gorgeous flower cabochon. I started stitching on it for a while, but then ran out of steam. I had a much grander piece in mind, and didn't want to do it a disservice by just doing something fast.

But fast was what I had to do, because I was running out of time!

So I dug through the stash again, and through my own stash, and found a set of beads that worked with the brown cabochon. And this is what I created...

I put some of my newly-acquired wire wrapping skills to good use and attached the copper clasp to the length of brown sari silk. Then I stitched up a bezel and added some crazy fun embellishment to the cabochon!

I've been having some fun lately playing with different edgings and trims for my cabochons. I love the look of lace surrounding the cabochon, and I think I may have to turn that edging into a full-fledged beaded necklace!

I should also give a big thank-you to my swap partner, Birgitta Lejonklou, for sending me such beautiful pieces! I still have plans for the rest of the components...and I want to finish that blue floral cabochon before I head to Bead Fest Philly on the 15th. I've got an idea for embellishing it that I want to try...

So, while you're here, check out all the other amazing goodies that are being revealed today in the Blog Party!

Hostess, Lori Anderson, PrettyThingsBlog.com

Alice Craddick,  Alice's Beads and Baubles

Alicia Marinache,  All The Pretty Things

Amanda Tibbetts,  Amanda Made

Amber Dawn Goldish, Inventive Soul

Annita Wilson,  AW Jewelry

Beti Horvath, Stringing Fool

Birgitta Lejonklou,  Create With Spirit   

Candida Castleberry,    Spinning Spun Sugar

Carolyn Lawson, Carolyn's Creations

Cassie Donlen, Glass Beadle

Cheri Reed,  Creative Designs by Cheri

Cheryl McCloud,  One Thing Leads to Another

Cheryl Roe, BeadRoe

Christina Hickman, Vintage Treasures Jewelry

Christine Hendrickson,  Clamworks

Cilla Watkins, Tell Your Girlfriends

Cindy Wilson, Mommy's Dream

Cindy Wimmer, Sweet Bead Studio

Cory Celaya, Art With Moxie

Cory Tompkins, Tealwater Designs

Cris Peacock, Cris' Page

Cynthia Deis, Shiny Little Things

Cynthia Machata, Antiquity Travelers

Cynthia Wainscott, Exotic Peru

Dana Hickey, Magpie Approved

Dana James, Dana's Jewelry Designs

Dana Lang, Tumblestone Handmakery

Debbie Price, Green Shoot Jewellery Designs

Denielle Hagerman, Some Beads and Other Things

Diane Valasek, Dragonfly Close

Doris Stumpf, Glaszwerg

Dyanne Everett-Cantrell, Dee-Liteful Jewelry Creations

Elaine Robitaille, Too Aquarius

Eleanor Burian-Mohr, The Charmed Life

Enikö Fabian, Perl-eni

Erin Prais-Hintz, Treasures Found

Heather Davis, Blissful Garden Beads

Heidi Post, Ex Post Facto Jewelry

Hilary Frye, FryeStyle

Ilenia Ruzza, Ilenia's Unique Beaded and Painted Jewelry

Inge von Roos, Inge's Blog

Jami Shipp, Celebrating Life

Jayne Capps, Mama's Got to Doodle

Jean A. Well, Jean A. Wells Handcrafted Artisan Jewelry

Jean Yates, Snap Out of It Jean! There's Beading to Do!

Jennifer Cameron, Glass Addictions

Jennifer Pottner, Rock Candy Beads

Jennifer VanBenschoten,  Jewelry, Art and Life

Jenny Davies-Reazor, Jenny Davies-Reazor

Jenny Vidberg, Shyme Design

Jessica Dickens, My Jewelry, My Life, Me

Jessica Klaaren, Beadful-Things by Jessica

JJ Jacobs, Coming Abstractions

Joan Williams, Lilruby Jewelry

Judith Johnston, Judith Johnston

Judy Riggs, Rigglettes

Judy Turner, Silver Rains

Julie Anne Leggett, The Peaceful Bead

K Hutchinson, Jumbled Hutch

Karen Meador, Dreamcatcher Ranch

Karyn Bonfiglio, Plus Size Bangles

Katherine Gale, Terra Beadworks
Kathleen Lange Klik, Modern Nature Studio

Katja Benevol Gabrijelcic, Slovonske Technobe

Kelli Jacobson, Creative Moon

Kelly Ramstack, Adventures with Kelly

Keri Lee Sereika, Pink Lemonade

Kim Ballor, Vitamin C... A Daily Dose of Creativity

Kim Bender-Hora, KimmyKat

Kirsi Luostarinen, Kirsi Luo Korut

Kitty Bozzini, Kitty Lampwork

Laura Demoya, The Bead Therapist

Laurie Hanna, Laurie's Jewelbox

Leah Curtis, Beady Eyed Bunny

Lesley Watt, The Gossiping Goddess

Linda Inhelder, Must-Haves Jewelry

Linda Landig, Linda's Bead Blog & Meanderings

Lisa Liddy, Metal Me This

Lori Dorrington, Lori's Adventures in Etsy Land

Lori Poppe, Adventures in Creativity with Lorillijean

Mallory Hoffman, For the Love of Beads

Marge Beebe, Rock Creek Creations

Marianna Boylan, Pretty Shiny Things

Marion Simmons, Shade Tree Studio

Marla Gibson, Spice Box Design

Marta Weaver, Marta Weaver Jewelry

Marti Conrad, Marti C's Clay Blog

Maryse Fritzsch-Thillens, GlassBeadArt, Lampwork Beads

Melanie Brooks, Earthenwood Studio

Michelle Hardy, Firefly Visions

Mikala Coates, Maybe Just Perhaps

Mowse Doyle, HoCArt

Nan Emmett, Spirit Rattles - Spirited Earth

Nancy Boylan, Snazzy Doodle Designs

Nancy Peterson, Beading From the Heart

Nicole Rennell, Nicole Rennell Designs

Niki Meiners, 365 Days of Craft

Niky Sayers, Silver Nik Nats

Norma Turvey, Moonlit Fantaseas
Paige Maxim, Paige Maxim Designs
Pamela Gangler, She Always Loved Pink

Patricia Johnson, Patricia L. Johnson Glass Art

Patti Vanderbloemen, My Addictions ... Handcrafted Jewelry by Patti

Perri Jackson, Shaktipaj Designs

Raida Disbrow, Havana Beads

Renetha Stanziano, Lamplight Crafts

Shannon Hicks, Falling Into the Sky

Shannon LeVart, Miss Fickle Media

Sharon Driscoll, Right Turn Art Werks

Shelby Foxwell, Sundown Bead Designs Rhetoric

Shelley Graham Turner, Fabric of My Life

Sherri Stokey, Knot Just Macrame

Shirley Moore, Beads and Bread

Skylar Bre'z, Brising Beads

Stacie Florer, Soul to Substance

Stacie Stamper, Park Avenue

Stacy Alderson, Iridal's Attic

Stephanie Haussler, Pixybug Designs

Stephanie Stamper, Rainy Day Designs

Sue Hamel, The Bottle Cork and Crystal

Suzette Bentley, Ellie's Bijoux

Szarka, Magpie Gemstones

Tammy Jones, Jewelry Making Daily

Tania Tebbit, Glass, Craft, & Artful Goodness

Tanty Sri Hartanti, TJewellicious by Tanti

Terry Matuszyk, Pink Chapeau

 Tina Bosh, Every Good and Perfect Gift

Tracy Bell, Copper, Glass and Recycled Trash

Vonna Maslanka, Just Vonna

Whew! That's a lotta blogs!

And please, please head over to Birgitta's blog, Create with Spirit, and check out what SHE made with the soup I sent her! She's really a fantastically talented jewelry designer in addition to being a gifted ceramic artist. Lots of pretty stuff to look at!

So now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm off to the farmer's market and to cook dinner for eight! Have fun!

The First Battle is Over

And I lost out in my battle by one vote! One vote!

Even though I'm not moving on to Round 2, I'm still pretty durn pleased with myself and with my entry. I pushed myself harder than I've pushed in a long time, and I'm very happy with the result. I completed my entry on time and met the deadline. And I got so much amazing feedback, both before and after the results of the first round of voting came in, that I feel like this is a great personal success for me.

There was, as to be expected, some backlash after the results of the first round were announced. And I was just gobsmacked to see how some people reacted after being eliminated or after their favorite pieces (not pieces that they made themselves) were eliminated.

Cries of "foul" filled the Battle of the Beadsmith Facebook page, even as most of us who were eliminated were graceful and just happy to have participated in this event.

What surprised me most was all of the criticism that was unleashed after the results. People were hurt that their work wasn't voted on the next round, and more than one person even suggested that the competition never should even have taken place.

People complained about the judging - there were no set criteria! How were these pieces judged? How could someone come up with a competition that pitted one bead artist against another?

Oh, the INJUSTICE!

Right?

Now,  here are my thoughts. And I'm sure I'm gonna piss off a few people here.

I almost didn't enter the competition. I didn't think my work was nearly good enough. I was sure that I was going to be eliminated in the first round. (Which I was, but that's besides the point.)

I talked to my sister about the competition, and as a working artist herself, she had some very good points.

1. If you're an artist, you're automatically in a competition. Whether you like it or not, as an artist, as soon as you create a piece of art - whether it's a song, a poem, a novel, a short story, a painting, a sculpture, a piece of jewelry, whatever - SOMEONE is going to judge it. They're either going to love it, or hate it, or be neutral about it. That's just the way it works. And it's no good to be an artist and make work that you stick in a closet for thirty years. Art is meant to be shared, to spark conversation, and yes, to be judged. If you don't want to be judged, don't be an artist. (But, really, people are gonna judge you, anyway.)

2. Just because your beautiful piece of beadwork wasn't voted forward to the second round doesn't mean that your work is worthless, awful, or "not good enough". Both artists and non-artists seem to equate commercial or competition success with good art. And that's just not always the case. (Anyone who has ever seen any of the Twilight movies, or any of the Transformers movies, will understand this point.)

Yes, there were some amazing freaking pieces of beadwork that were voted into the second round, but all of the pieces were amazing.

True story: after selling my handmade fused glass very successfully at the farmer's markets throughout the summer of 2008, I started taking it around to a couple of local craft stores to see if they would be interested in either consigning it or wholesaling it from me. I remember one store owner in particular who told me that my pieces would never sell. Whatever. I took it with a grain of salt, and went on to have two more very successful summers of selling my handmade glass and beadwork at my local farmer's markets and craft shows.

3. If you don't want to lose, don't enter a competition. That's the whole point of a competition, right? Someone wins, someone loses. Entering a competition doesn't guarantee a win. And neither does entering a competition if you have "name recognition". There were a few heavy-hitters in the beading world that were eliminated in the first round, people that I would have totally expected to move forward. But that doesn't necessarily mean that their work is inferior. (See #2, above.)

4. Don't complain about the judges in a competition. Seriously, people. The judges in this first round were all of the competitors and a select panel of judges, some of whom have been involved in beading as an art since before I could eat my own solid food. That's good enough for me. Those judges are well-respected bead artists, and really, they've seen it all. The participants who created all of these amazing pieces of art also seem to know what they're doing when it comes to judging beadwork and art, so, yeah, I'm pretty sure that they have good reasons for choosing the way they did. Not that the judgement of any one person (or any group of people) makes a work of art "good" or "bad". (See #1 and #2, above.)

5. Just because there are some awesome pieces in this competition that got voted out in the first round and people's feelings got hurt doesn't mean that the competition should never have happened in the first place. I can't imagine even making that statement. I'm sure there are dozens, if not hundreds, of entries into competitions like Bead Dreams and Bead Star that get booted out in the first round, but has anyone said that those competitions should be shut down? Heck, no! Those competitions have resulted in the recognition of some of the most important emerging bead artists in recent years!

I'm not trying to discount anyone's feelings. Of COURSE it hurts when you're eliminated from a competition. Let yourself get upset, if you want to, but don't let it make you think any less of your art. And please, please, please don't point fingers at anyone for your not winning! Entering a competition does not guarantee success! (See #3, above.)

Remember: your art comes from YOU, and the great thing about it is that no one can duplicate your own artistic vision. If you didn't make art, would you be miserable? I certainly would. Making art makes me a happier person, and I really don't care who does or doesn't like it. In the end, if I like it, that's good enough for me.

Personally, losing round one by just a single vote was a big win for me. I never dreamed that I could hold my own against such an amazing piece, but I did! And the feedback I got about my entry - that it was risky, edgy, and unabashedly unique - means more to me than any "win" could.

So, if you want to enter a beading competition, go ahead and enter. But do it with your eyes open, and with the knowledge in your heart that even if you don't win, yes, you are good enough.

Peace, out!

One Step

Among some of the characters that live in AuSable Forks about five miles up the road from here, there's one woman who's particularly disturbing to me. She looks to be about my age - maybe mid to late 30s - and whenever we see her walking around town, she's got a huge "hat" made of plastic bags strapped to her head and tied under her chin with a black strap.

We see her talking to herself as she walks up and down the street, and more often than not, she's got this look on her face like she's recoiling from something particularly odious and offensive. Once, she stood in line behind Tom at the grocery store in AuSable Forks, and Tom said she was hissing and making menacing sounds under her breath the entire time.

He came back to the car, more than a little shaken up.

I wonder about this woman when I see her. I wonder what her story is, and I wish that there were some way for her to access the mental health services she so obviously needs. Is there someone who takes care of her and looks out for her? Is she actually a caretaker for an elderly parent or relative?

Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm one step away from becoming just like her, and walking up and down Main Street with a ginormous plastic bag hat strapped to my head.

We haven't been sleeping at all this week around here, and I don't know why. Energy upheaval, Mercury in retrograde, whatever. We haven't been sleeping.

Last night, I laid in bed until 11:45 before I finally fell asleep. Then Colden came in with his pillow around 3 a.m. Around 3:30, he woke up and cried that he was thirsty. I got up and got him something to drink. Then he went back to sleep, but I laid there until about 4:30, when I finally got up and went to sleep in his bedroom. I'm guessing I fell asleep around 5 or 5:30.

I woke up later on, not sure of what time it was, to see Colden standing at the side of the bed with the kitchen tongs, peeling the blankets off of me, one at a time. Funny. He says, "Mommy, wake up! It's morning! Time to get up!"

I was still feeling so wrecked that I said, "Colden, if you go get the iPad and let Mommy sleep for a few more minutes, I'll make hot cocoa for breakfast." Zoom! That kid can move fast when you mention two of his favorite things in the same sentence.

Next thing I know, I'm awake again, and thinking I had better get out of bed and see what time it is, since the clock in Colden's room hasn't worked for the last couple of weeks.

I looked at the clock in our room: 8:05.

Aw, shit.

Threw some breakfast together for Colden (peanut butter and jelly, his favorite), jumped in the shower for about thirty seconds to scrub the grime out of my hair and brush my teeth. Get dressed, get Colden dressed, run out the door.

Come home after dropping Colden off and think that my stomach is right - I need to eat breakfast. I start to make breakfast - potatoes and eggs - and pretty soon after I turned up the burner to cook the potatoes, I smelled something burning.

No biggie, probably just a little piece of food in the burner. (Electric stove.) Turn around to turn the ceiling fan on in the kitchen to blow the smoke away, and I turn around and...

Flames. Big 'uns. About the size of my hand.

Switch off the burner, turn on every fan in the house, open the back door, try to work the fire extinguisher, not even sure if I can USE the fire extinguisher on a fire on an electric stove.

Called 911 for guidance. Flames go out on their own while I'm on the phone. House filled with smoke, and potatoes cooked to shit.

At least the fire department didn't have to come out.

So, granted, I'm sure this isn't plastic-bag-hat-strapping material, but it sure feels like I'm at the end of my rope today. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or a little bit of both.

One thing is for sure: I'm not turning on the stove or the oven again until tomorrow.

RIP, Gigi

In the five years that we've had chickens, we've never lost a single one to predators - until this week.

Earlier in the week, Tom and I went out to check the coop before a big storm blew through, and we discovered a single chicken leg caught in the top of the 8-foot fence that surrounds the large chicken yard. (There's so much vegetation in it that we call it the Chicken Jungle.)

Then this morning, Tom found a whole pile of feathers in the chicken yard and realized that Gigi, the last of our original flock from five years ago, was gone.

Gigi, the beautiful speckled hen we had since 2007.

I don't mind saying that when Tom told me she was gone, I cried. Gigi, short for Grousy Girl, was one of our original flock. She was such a gentle bird. Back in her day, she was a good layer, giving us two or three eggs a day. And after she stopped laying, she was just a nice bird to have around. She would jump up into my lap when I came into the coop to collect eggs, she would let Colden stroke her feathers, and she was a good mama hen to the other birds.

Tom is going to look into some kind of netting to put over the top of the chicken run to prevent this hawk (which is what we figure it is) from eating any more of our birds.

Bummer. What a way to start the day.