Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Uncertainty

"Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark." - Dan Millman

I do not deal well with uncertainty. It was difficult for me when I worked the farmer's markets, because I never knew if I was going to have a good day or a bad day. And regardless of a good day or a bad day, I still had bills to pay, food to buy, commitments to honor. That sort of stuff.

So, here we go again, dealing with more uncertainty. I know that what I'm dealing with is tiny, compared to what others are going through. Part of me is screaming out, "You should have seen this coming! Nothing good ever lasts with you!"

The other part is trying to wrestle that first part down and slap it into submission.

There's part of me that is screaming in the back of my head, "You're not a REAL artist. I've SEEN real art. And it doesn't come from you!"

So now, I'm grappling with how to prepare for uncertainty. What frightens me the most is that I've made commitments to my son, now.

Deep down, I know that things will work out one way or another. But the fear is there, and it's real, and there's no getting around it right now.  I'm hesitant to plan for the worst, but I know that I should.

I think that before I go to sleep tonight, I need to write out some affirmations for myself to help carry me through the uncertainty:

  • I am capable.
  • I am resourceful.
  • I am productive.
  • I am creative.
  • I am loved.
With my next breath, I am turning this over to the universe and to Ganesha for whatever it has in store for me.

...and a big bowl of chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.

1 comment:

Melanie said...

ugh...I am so with you there on the uncertainty, if for different reasons. I could lay awake, night after night, wondering about the what ifs. Only my therapist has helped me to realize that I need to concentrate on the reality. Because you really don't want to know where my mind goes. It is always the absolute worst. Positive thoughts are going out for you my friend.