Monday, December 03, 2012


We had a rough weekend. It started on Friday night when Colden just would not go to sleep, no matter what we did. I was exhausted to begin with, and it was like he just *knew* that I was running on empty. He came into our room around 10:30 and said, "Mommy, I pooped, and my butt hurts!" Tom was out like a light, so I got up and got Colden cleaned up, thinking that maybe now he would FINALLY go to sleep.

It didn't quite work. He wanted to stay up and play, and I couldn't keep him in his room for anything. Desperate to close my eyes, I told him he could play quietly with the iPad for a little while. Well, at 12:30, he came into our room and asked me to download a new game for him.

Tom got up and took the iPad away, which led to our overtired kid having a complete meltdown. While Tom stoked the fire in the wood stove, I cuddled up with my sobbing, exhausted kid and massaged his back and his feet until he fell asleep. But I was too tired to move, and I shut my eyes against his warm little body.

Next thing I know, it's 6:00 a.m., and Colden is wide awake and rarin' to go.

We went to Plattsburgh to do some shopping, and I felt awful the whole time. Lightheaded and dizzy, like I could just have tucked my head down and fallen asleep at any moment.

I had a light lunch, and then threw some soup on to cook so Colden and I could go see the tree lighting at the park in AuSable Forks.

Well, I should have had more for lunch, and a nap, because between the cold (it was only about 19 degrees), the hunger, and the lack of sleep, I found that I couldn't stand up for more than a minute or two without feeling seriously like I was going to pass out right there. I had to lean against the traffic signal post to steady myself while I tried to keep my eyes open. I tried to get Colden back to the car, but he burst out crying that he didn't want to miss the tree lighting.

So, I stayed.

They finally lit the tree - 45 minutes late - and we got to see Santa, and then we had to wait another 15 minutes just to get out of the parking lot. By then, the cold and the low blood sugar and the exhaustion led me to have a full-on panic attack in the car.

Somehow, I got us both home. Colden fell asleep in the car, and I was literally too weak to carry him inside. Tom brought him inside for me, and then I tried to get us settled down with a big bowl of homemade soup.

Colden didn't want any soup, but he certainly wanted to go to sleep. So, after a snack of peanut butter and jelly, he got into his pajamas and fell asleep almost instantly.

I went to yoga class the next afternoon. It was a little more physically intense than I had expected - I had a hard time coming out of the forward bends. I would stand up and get so dizzy that it felt as though I was going to completely lose my balance and fall sideways. Instead of feeling elated, strong, and refreshed the way I had the previous week, I came home feeling weak, shaky, and panicky.

The panicky feeling lasted all night and into the morning, even after a high-protein breakfast. (I thought that maybe I just had some low blood sugar stuff going on.) And I must have been exerting myself more than usual, because every single muscle in my body just aches today. Even the muscles in my side where we stretched them out in the side angle stretch are sore to the touch.

Today, it just felt like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't concentrate. I had no focus. I'm amazed I managed to get myself organized enough to get to the post office after lunch.

I think I screwed something up with an old friend of mine, and it makes me feel terrible to think about it. I keep trying to not beat myself up over it, but there it is, as usual: me, screwing up again. Seriously, sometimes I think I have a social disorder or something. It makes me feel terrible, because I don't have the intention of doing these stupid things. I just lose my focus for one tiny second, and then I think, oh, man, that really wasn't a good idea... And to make me feel even worse about it, it's someone that I care deeply about.

I know that sometimes I go too far into myself, and then it's hard for me to come out and connect with people again. When someone points it out to me, I feel silly - I mean, it's just beads, right? Do I just need to lighten up a bit these days? Why am I feeling so dark? Is it the lack of sunlight?

I'm starting to think that something frivolous and self-pampering is in order this week. Like a manicure and a cupcake.

Until then, there are things to do...

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