During therapy this week, we talked about my messed-up view of my body and my health since this whole thing went down two years ago. How I felt like my body was turning on me, and how every time I get sick I fall to pieces.
She asked me if I could remember a time when I felt strong in my own body, and I started to cry, because it has been such a long time since I felt strong in my own skin. It really has.
I told her that I could remember riding my bike as a teenager - it was our only method for escaping the insanity at home before we graduated and got cars - and how it felt to pump those pedals up and down hills, going miles and miles away from home in just a few glorious minutes. The warm summer wind in my face, how my cheeks burned from the exertion.
Then, later, when I learned how to ice skate, it was the same sensations: how thick and powerful my legs felt as I zoomed around the rink, how thrilling it was to make my crossovers when I rounded the corners, lifting my feet in those heavy, heavy skates.
Even though I love doing yoga, there are times when, as my yoga instructor says, I feel too much sensation. It's uncomfortable when I do a standing forward bend, or if I do a sun salutation too quickly, or if I'm in downward facing dog and I actually allow myself to relax my neck and head. The blood rushes to my head, and I feel dizzy, or lightheaded, or spacy.
Some of the standing poses make me feel powerful, too. But, again, there's this sensation I can't quite put my finger on, something that makes me feel as though the world is spinning around me, even though at the same time I can feel that I'm firmly grounded in one place.
I need to find a way to feel strong again in my own body, especially on days like today where everything - absolutely everything - I put in my mouth makes me feel nauseous and weak. By the end of the day, I was ready to lose it. It's just so. damn. frustrating.
I am now the proud, very excited owner of a new stash of druk beads (for use with the rest of my Twins and SuperDuos), six gorgeous strands of aged stripe beads, a hank of amazing silky gold cup flowers (the name alone just makes me want to swoon), and a smattering of the brand-new Beadstuds (two hole pyramid beads) in chalk bronze lumi! Oh, let the beading begin!