Friday, February 22, 2013


During therapy this week, we talked about my messed-up view of my body and my health since this whole thing went down two years ago. How I felt like my body was turning on me, and how every time I get sick I fall to pieces.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I felt strong in my own body, and I started to cry, because it has been such a long time since I felt strong in my own skin. It really has.

I told her that I could remember riding my bike as a teenager - it was our only method for escaping the insanity at home before we graduated and got cars - and how it felt to pump those pedals up and down hills, going miles and miles away from home in just a few glorious minutes. The warm summer wind in my face, how my cheeks burned from the exertion.

Then, later, when I learned how to ice skate, it was the same sensations: how thick and powerful my legs felt as I zoomed around the rink, how thrilling it was to make my crossovers when I rounded the corners, lifting my feet in those heavy, heavy skates.

Even though I love doing yoga, there are times when, as my yoga instructor says, I feel too much sensation. It's uncomfortable when I do a standing forward bend, or if I do a sun salutation too quickly, or if I'm in downward facing dog and I actually allow myself to relax my neck and head. The blood rushes to my head, and I feel dizzy, or lightheaded, or spacy.

Some of the standing poses make me feel powerful, too. But, again, there's this sensation I can't quite put my finger on, something that makes me feel as though the world is spinning around me, even though at the same time I can feel that I'm firmly grounded in one place.

I need to find a way to feel strong again in my own body, especially on days like today where everything - absolutely everything - I put in my mouth makes me feel nauseous and weak. By the end of the day, I was ready to lose it. It's just so. damn. frustrating.

But. The bright spot in my day was checking the mail, and finding that my order from York Beads had finally arrived! (Seriously. Four days to Jay from Manhattan? It's a four-hour drive down to the city. Next time, I just go pick the damn things up myself!)

I am now the proud, very excited owner of a new stash of druk beads (for use with the rest of my Twins and SuperDuos), six gorgeous strands of aged stripe beads, a hank of amazing silky gold cup flowers (the name alone just makes me want to swoon), and a smattering of the brand-new Beadstuds (two hole pyramid beads) in chalk bronze lumi! Oh, let the beading begin!


Kristen said...

Listen my friend. Just listen to the wind the sound of Coldens voice the beads. They all are telling you that the world is good in your hands. I know the feeling of being uncomfortable in your skin and it is so not easy. I have read about your fears and can so easily relate but in different ways. I am here. And by the way you are perfect to me! You have no idea! That smile when we saw each other at Beadfest is forever etched in my memory. It is where I go sometimes when I think I am not good enough. You gave me the feeling of belonging in this friendship and I felt the genuine love that came from that moment. It is a gift I treasure!

Mary Anne Gruen said...

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been well. But I well understand how beads can help make things better! I hope things improve.