Scream

There seems to be something going around. Don't know if it's the energy in the atmosphere or what, but so far, I've read blogs from four of my friends where they have, out of the blue, just completely lost their shit. And then blogged about it. So I'll add my own losing-my-shit story here for you, as well.

I know I've mentioned it before that bedtimes are hard for me. When Colden just wants Mommy Mommy Mommy after I've been working all day and had to do our morning routine (by myself, natch), there are nights when I can feel my patience wearing thin. Last night and this morning are perfect examples.

Last night, Colden decided that he wanted to poop - on the potty! Woa! I grabbed the iPad (his potty pooping treat) and got him settled on the potty, hoping that since it was past his bedtime, he could do the deed rather quickly and then we could all get some rest.

That's not what he had in mind.

He sat on the potty for nearly an hour and didn't do anything. Oh, he was playing his fishy game on the iPad and laughing, but towards the end of the hour, I started to feel like I was ready to lose my mind. For real. I cried. I yelled. And he looked up at me, crying, and said, "Don't yell at me, Mommy!"

Oy. Beating myself up now. The kid actually ASKED to use the potty on his own, and here I am, turning it into a terrible experience. But do I win the Worst Mother in the World Award for that?

No.

This morning, we got up and got breakfast. It turned into an ordeal. First he wanted bran cereal and fruit. Then he refused that and begged and pleaded for an egg. So I made him an egg. Then he wanted some avocado and tomato to go with it. Chopped up those veggies and served them up.

He ate about two bites of egg and two bites of avocado and was done.

I tried to get him to change out of his pajamas and pee in the potty.

No doin'.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking because I have a ginormous amount of work to do, errands to run, and an acupuncture appointment. I can feel my blood pressure going up as the minutes tick by. But still, he just wants to play with his little school bus and he's not interested in getting ready to go.

Finally, it's time to get out the door or I can officially give up getting anything done today. Colden does not want to put on his socks and his shoes. He sits on the chair, then on the floor, then he stands up, then he sits on his feet so I can't do it.

And that was when I cracked. I roared. "Put your shoes and socks on NOW!"

More crying. More guilt.

He was, naturally, a little hesitant to let me leave when I finally dropped him off at Oma's house. And I've been feeling like a terrible mom all day.

HOW could I have done that to my kid? He didn't ask to be born. He's just being a normal 4-year-old, and it's not his fault that his mother can't handle it.

I don't deserve this little boy. I don't deserve his hugs and his kisses and his laughter.

But then I remind myself, I'm only human. And humans need a break now and then. So starting tonight, Tom is taking over bedtime, regardless of how much Colden screams and cries about it. The truth is, he only cries for a few minutes, and then when he sees that Daddy Means Business, he's fine.

So, wish us luck. Because I'm hoping that once I can get some rest at bedtime, I'll be a much happier, better Mommy to my little boy.