Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I needed a bit of brevity this afternoon. It's been a rough couple of months around here.
I had a follow-up with my regular doctor this morning, seven weeks after my initial collapse at the beginning of December. (It's a damn good thing that it was nothing life-threatening, or I'd be dead by now.) At any rate, I decided that the anxiety has gotten to the level where it is ruining my life, and it's time to address that. So, after a good half-hour discussing the options with my doctor, she gave me a couple of referrals and I'm ready to move on and get my life back.
It wasn't an easy thing to admit, but she knows me. She's only been my primary care doctor for about three years, but she is not only a wonderful physician, she's compassionate, and she listens to her patients. (Which is probably the reason why it took seven weeks for me to get an appointment with her.)
After the appointment, I decided to go for a ride through the back roads before I went home to finish up work and make dinner. It was a beautiful, glorious, winter afternoon, with a bright sun shining down on the fields of white snow. I drove past the highland cattle farm, the old graveyard, the covered bridge, Asgaard Farm... The moon, nearly full, was hanging in the sky like a piece of tissue paper up against a water-color background.
I thought about getting out of the car to take some pictures to share with people, but then I thought, no, this afternoon is just for me. This is my town, these are my thoughts, this is my experience today.
It hasn't been easy dealing with the anxiety the last two months. It's been a lot of trying to convince myself that I'm okay, while at the same time, trying to convince myself that I need to get back into therapy. It's been trying to keep everything in balance, while feeling like I'm about to drive myself over the proverbial cliff.
After I talked to the doctor today, I have to admit, I felt more like my old self than I have in many weeks. As a matter of fact, it was nice just to feel SOMETHING other than the numbness and terror after these last couple of months.
Last week, I was venting some angst to a friend, and he said something to me that not only put things into perspective about why I am the way I am, but also made me realize how much I value him and our conversations. Then, as I walked back to the car after I saw my friend in her store on Main Street this afternoon, I thought to myself, I really don't have a lot to be afraid of, now.
I have, without a doubt, some of the best friends a person could have, and I'm really, really lucky. I've got an amazing support network, which is something that a lot of people who struggle with this kind of thing don't have.
So, what now? Well, there are dishes to be washed, dinner to be cooked and served, laundry to wash, the wood rack needs to be filled up in anticipation of the 25-below-zero temperatures the forecast is calling for tonight, and I still need to finish up some work stuff.
However... All that has to wait until Tom and Colden come in from the workshop, where Tom is building Colden a pirate ship out of scrap wood...
To Be Continued...