Some Things are Just Not Meant to Be

This was a rough weekend. I had a very unexpected miscarriage that started on Friday, and I've been just completely wiped out ever since.

It started on Friday morning, but I didn't think anything about it, since I had similar symptoms when I was pregnant with Colden that turned out to be nothing. But by Friday evening, I was concerned enough to call the midwife who was on call from my OB's office who told me to stay in bed and drink a lot of fluids. Sitting around all day Saturday was enough to drive me insane - I wished that I knew what was going on, since nothing seemed to be improving. I was hesitant to go to the emergency room and run up a huge bill, but then when things changed, Tom and I headed for Plattsburgh around 8 p.m. They did some blood tests and an ultrasound and found that there had been no growth since 7 weeks and no heartbeat was visible. My hCg levels (the human growth hormone that you produce when you're pregnant) were way too low for someone in her 10th week of pregnancy, so it was determined that I was about to have a miscarriage.

The biggest relief to me was that I finally knew what was going on. Once I heard everything from the doctor, as disappointed and sad as I was, I at least felt like I had a direction to go in. So now it's just a matter of getting through the physical part of losing a pregnancy, and then Tom and I will just try again.

We decided that there's no sense in stressing out about what went wrong. It just wasn't meant to be this time around. That was the attitude we took when we decided to try having kids in the first place: if it happens, that's great, and if it doesn't work out, then that's okay, too. No sense in driving yourself crazy over something that just isn't meant to be. And sure, we're disappointed, and we were a little shocked, because everything with my first pregnancy went so perfectly that it never even entered into our minds that something could go wrong with the second.

So, now it's just time for us to let the dust settle and get on with things. I still have a week full of other emotional things to deal with - the arraignment of the suspect in my uncle's murder is tomorrow, then the day after that is two years since my mom passed away. In between all this, I'll have to get to the doctor's office to follow up.

But there are things to look forward to this week: Kathy and Kady are flying in tonight, and Tom's birthday is Saturday, so we'll probably do something with his parents and Kathy and the girls, and maybe we'll get to go do something on our own, if I'm feeling up for it.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I've always wanted to keep myself busy. It keeps me moving forward and it doesn't let me drag myself down when life throws me a curve ball. I've still got Colden, Tom, Moose, the chickens, and my friends to keep me going.