Monday, August 23, 2010

Pardon the Name of This Post...

To those of you who may be offended by a swear word, I mean no harm, but I wanted to call this post "More Hormonal Fuckery", because that is what I am dealing with the last two weeks. Actually, the last two months, now that I think about it.

The doctor thinks I had a period about two weeks ago. Then I stopped bleeding for about three or four days. Then it started up again. Now it's stopped again, but I'm still passing uterine lining. Tonight I have a hormonal headache. (I know that's what it is, because it feels exactly like the headaches I get right before my period.) The bleeding isn't heavy or bad - it's just annoying. When I was having my period, or what the doctor thinks was my period, I was scared to death that I was going to start hemorrhaging at any second. I'm sick of wearing pads every single day. I'm sick of worrying about what my body is going to do next.

My hCg levels have gone back down to zero, which is a good thing, because it means that there is no more tissue left from the pregnancy. And we think that now it's just a matter of waiting it out to see when my body will get itself back to "normal", whatever that is for me. It's just the waiting that is driving me out of my bloody tree.

I have total faith that my body will do what it needs to do to heal itself. The acupuncture and the Chinese herbs are helping me tremendously, as are the antidepressants that I was given to help me get over the hump so that I stopped crying all day, every day. But my body has always been a bit slow in the healing process, so it's really just mind over matter at this point, I think. I know my body will heal itself. I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

That said, I've been taking my multivitamins every day and trying to eat lots of iron-rich foods with a side of foods rich in vitamin C to help me absorb the iron so that I don't become anemic or iron-deficient. (Think lightly steamed, tender leaves of kale with chopped up tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - one of my favorite ways to get more iron!) I don't want to take an iron supplement because frankly, I can't swallow those huge horse pills, and I certainly don't want to have to deal with constipation at this point.

I have definitely noticed an increase in my energy levels lately, even with all the crazy running around and my insane work schedule. So I think that's a good thing.

Maybe it's just a matter of giving myself some more time to relax and heal. And that's always been a hard thing for me - the waiting. I have always been terrible at waiting for things.

I did have a good post office day today, though. In my mailbox, direct from England, was my copy of the latest in the Adrian Mole series: Adrian Mole, the Prostate Years. I can't remember exactly when I fell in love with the Adrian Mole books by Sue Townsend, I can only remember them being a huge comfort to me during my times of unemployment and uncertainty. I can remember reading, in one day, the entire book "Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction", a book that I re-read several times during the course of my pregnancy with Colden when the nausea was almost too much for me and I needed something to take my mind off of things. I have all the other books in the series, too - including a hardcover copy of "Adrian Mole - The Cappuccino Years" which is one of the best-loved books in my little library. My original copy of "The Diary of Adrian Mole" is so worn by now that I should probably replace it.

There's something I just love about the character of Adrian. He's totally clueless - and he doesn't really know it. His love life is almost always a complete disaster. His family is the very definition of dysfunctional. And yet somehow, Sue Townsend has kept him as a disarmingly innocent, charming and intelligent man who loves his family and always finds a way to redeem himself throughout his misadventures in life.

So, there. That's my little book review for the evening. If you want to read more, start at the beginning and pick up a copy of "The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3/4". I don't know if there are e-reader versions of it available - go for the hard copy. There's still something utterly comforting and satisfying about holding a real book in my hands...


Beading Butterfly said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the problems you are still having. You have every reason to be feeling the way you do, so don't worry about offending your dear readers by speaking your heart. I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts and hope that you will heal quickly. ((hugs))

Lisa Peters Russ said...

Its a very sad day when the body we know starts changing. That happened to me after the intense 2 years of IN-fertility treatments and then the subsequent total break down of my reproductive system for what is now over a year later... A period, for 115 days straight.. days where I spent hours in the bathtub because I could not get up with out hemoraging all over the floor, going through boxes of pads a DAY and now months with no period at all., at my age.. which is not unheard of, but happened to me. To go into early menopause when you are trying to have a baby.. is a hormonal slap (excuse me, PUNCH) in the face I'd say.. but there is a time when you have submit to whatever your body has planned for you and just do your best to coax it into the direction you would like to it to go, because its a fight you just can't win.

Try not to get so depressed and sooner or later your body will let you know what its going to do.. Stay with the herbs and acupuncture.. In my opinion it helps more than any prescribed is the ONLY thing that helped me.. and I tried everything... believe me.

And I strongly 2nd your FUCK the hormone shit...cause sometimes only a real bad word can perfectly express how we feel!

3 Peeps Designs said...

I don't mind the real title of this post. I, frankly, find it refreshing that you, an artist, let us all into your life so freely. I'm sorry to hear that things are still so unpredictable with regards to your body. But, time is what you need and perhaps this is a way for you to learn to be more patient. Its sucks, but there's not much more that you can be doing. Do stick with the natural elements of healing as the anti-depressants can only do so much. For me, they actually seemed to make me numb and made me slow to respond to things that upset me. They work differently for people and hope that the pain subsides enough that you won't need to take them much longer. Anyway, keep up with the great post and name them anything you see fit!