Monday, September 13, 2010

Off my Chest

Tom came home last night with the news that the new mayor in Lake Placid thinks that the wastewater treatment plant is "overstaffed". Heart stopping moment. If he loses his job - if - where on Earth would we go??? We would lose the house, that's for sure. We'd have to sell it and pack up what? Like I said, heart stopping moment, to think that if he loses his job, we'd have to pull up and move away and start over somewhere else.

And of course, along with that, it starts making me wonder about all the "stuff" we have around here that we could get rid of. So why not do it now, right? We could easily purge a ton of stuff from this house - I have been waging war on my closet since early spring, purging clothing that I have been hanging on to for God only knows what reason, and donating it to the thrift shop in Wilmington. I've started looking at things with a different eye - I've been looking for places where I can start purging, start throwing things away, and cleaning up. Slowly but surely, I've started cleaning off all the surfaces in the house and either putting things into storage (sentimental, like stuff that was my mother's) or throwing it away or donating it.

And from there, I start wondering about what I'm doing with my life. I start thinking about the changes and paths and twists and turns and... Why am I here at this point right now? Did I do something wrong to end up where I am? Or have I done something right? Some days, it's not such a clear line between the two.

Am I happier than I was when I was working full-time at a job that I hated? It wasn't a very good job, mind you - no benefits, low pay, and not a lot of support. Every month now is a gamble to see if I make a few sales on Etsy or from a gallery - if I do, it's great. If I don't, it's a tight, scary month where we have to decide whether or not to chip the credit card out from the bottom of the ice cube tray.

But now we have Colden - and he is most definitely the best thing that has ever happened to us. His laugh, his smile, his hugs and kisses, watching him grow and discover new things every day - that is priceless to us. There's no amount of money that could replace the experiences I have with him every day, even if I do drop into bed fully clothed every night.

I wonder about the things I've done in the past, the people I may or may not have hurt, the things that I know I did wrong, and the things that I know I did right.

Some days are just a constant battle for me, trying to balance Colden with work, spending time with Tom, taking care of the house and everything else that needs me... And just taking ten minutes for myself. Sometimes I actually feel GUILTY for having a job that I love and am passionate about, because you're not supposed to enjoy your job, right? I don't think I've had a job that I've loved as much as this since I left New Jersey. So that can't be a bad thing, right?

Tom is putting Colden to bed right now... When he is done, I will change into my pajamas, and we will cuddle up together for a little while before we fall asleep.

In the morning, I will shower, get dressed, and take my camera with us on our morning adventure in the backyard. I'll look up to the sky and into the trees, and I'll look down at the grass and the flowers. I'll take pictures of Colden pushing his wheelbarrow, and I'll take pictures of the chickens and the mountains down in the valley. And everything will be okay.

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